


You See Me

by just_another_gay



Series: Not What It Seems [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: M/M, Soulmate AU, a lot of mentions/ thinking about sex but no smut, i might have to update the tags later, oblivious stupid teenagers, ok... maybe this is more than just a bunny fic asdjgh, split narrative, theres more people but i mean they aren't really important, this is a bunny fic through and through
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-24
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 09:10:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 41,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17525879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_another_gay/pseuds/just_another_gay
Summary: Kenny dies pretty much everyday, nobody notices and nobody remembers. Till one day he can see his wounds from his most recent death in his reflection, but no one else can see it... except the happy-go-lucky blonde himself.oooooooooooorSoulmate AU thing where Butters is the only one who can see Kennys wounds bc soulmates and all that. this is 100% based off @dudemarsh on tumblrs drawing of this AU (their arts amazing AND they draw bunny art)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> if y'all have any favorite bunny fics (or just any south park fanfictions at all) put em in the comments, i'm always looking for more stuff to read

It started normal at first. Too normal when I think back to it. I had rolled out of bed, remembering my latest death from the night before like a vivid nightmare, but I knew it was more than just a nightmare, it was so much worse than a nightmare. Last night I had a more gruesome death, I had been walking home from the comic book store (I don’t ever buy any comics, their just fun to read) and I hear some shouts from an alley. Now, I don’t dress up in my super hero costume anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to help people. It was one women against two grown men. Once the men turned and looked at me, their attention all mine, she fled and it was just me against them and as you can probably infer, it didn’t end so well for me. 

But today was a new day, and I had a test third period. I started my morning routine of getting dressed and then eating whatever food we had in the pantry but as I was making my way to my closet something in my reflection caught my eye; I had a red gash on my cheek, exactly where I was injured the night before. I shot my hand up to feel my cheek but it was smooth, there was nothing there it was only in my reflection. That was… new.

My sister barged into my room while I was standing dumbfounded in front of the mirror, “Hey kenny I’m riding with Trica to school so you don’t have to walk me to the b- what are you doing?” I had spun around the second she started talking and she only really looked up from her phone (the phone I had spent a whole summer working overtime to buy her) and saw me just then. “W-” I swallowed my fears and tried again, “What do you mean..?”  
She rolled her eyes, “I mean your bus comes in ten minutes and you aren’t even dressed yet. You aren’t high right now right, cause 6:50’s too early for that shit, even for you.” 

I should have felt relieved that she couldn’t see, I should have right, so why was I disappointed? “No I’m not high. I bought fruit snacks for you to take to school, I put them behind the old coffee beans.” She seemed satisfied enough after I said that so after giving me a happy ‘thanks’ she was out my door. 

I took one last look at my reflection and shoved my hood up, it almost covered it completely. Almost.

The ride on the bus was pretty painless, no one my age really rides the bus to school anymore, the only kids from my grade that still ride it are Butters, Bradley Biggle and me. On the bright side it means Butters is the first person I talk to every day, that’s a pretty good way to start any day if you ask me. He was waiting for me on our usual seat, wearing his usual happy grin, probably listening to his usual morning playlist. Because it was a usual, normal, uneventful day in South Park, I had to keep reminding myself that. 

I plopped down beside him and he plucked out his right ear bud to give to me so we could listen to his music together. We had a system, Monday’s, Wednesday’s, Friday’s we’d listen to his music and Tuesday and Thursday we’d listen to mine, well the music I downloaded on his phone. His music wasn't bad it was just… Different from mine. 

“Good Morning Ken!” Butter greeted brightly. “Hey butters. Are you still grounded?” I asked around my parka. “Afraid so, but if you wanna come over I can tell my dad you’re just coming over to help with Friday’s quiz in math.” Butters said, smiling warmly at me. 

He’s gotten better at handling the groundings, now he’s learned how to sneak out and sneak people (mostly me) into his room, and he’s gotten better at lying to his parents too, he’s really grown up. Well… as grown up as a 17 year old who still listens to Disney music. “Yeah okay, I’ll come over sometime after school.” “Sure thing!”

The rest of the bus ride went by without much talking, I leaned my head on his shoulder and rested my eyes. Yes rested my eyes, not fell asleep. The nights after dying I never get very much rest. Butters didn’t mind, he never does when I lean on him.

The day was pretty much uneventful, almost a perfectly average day. I kept running my hand over the spot where the mirrors showed a gash, but I didn’t feel anything. The heater was broken, not broken in the way that it didn’t work, no. It was broken in the way that it was going on full power and the prankster who did it ruined the AC so it didn’t run at all. Teachers were opening all the windows that opened (there were locks put on all the windows that couldn’t get taken off after a window thief harassed South Park during my freshman year). Rumor has it that the reason for messing with the AC was so that the girls would take off their big coats and the boys would get to see Bebe’s hooters. 

I had to admit, I was perfectly fine with the heat, all the girls were walking around in their T shirts or tank tops and honestly, it was not a bad view. Not at all. Well I was fine with it, until I had to unzip my parka. 

I’ve gotten more casual about taking off my hood, I still don’t do it hardly ever at school but I will if I’m just at a friends house or at home. So I was fine with my jacket unzipped and my hood down, except in every reflection I saw of myself the giant gash stood out, ugly and bold and and exposed. But not exposed, he had to remind himself. Not exposed to anyone but him, he was fine. 

I still felt uncomfortable seeing myself like that so I put up my hood, my jacket still wasn’t zipped and you could see most of my face, it hid the worst of injury. I waited for Butters outside his classroom, everyone else in his class had left already. I peeked into his classroom to find him on the floor, helping one of his classmates pick up his books and papers she’d dropped. 

A warm smile spread across his face and I leaned against the door frame, I would have helped but they were picking up the last of her papers. Butters hopped up and practically skipped over to me. “How was class Ken?” He asked me cheerfully, looking ahead. So I went on a rant about how hot it was for a good 4 minutes, ending it with “but you could totally see Red’s black bra through her shirt dude, probably the best day I’ve had in English all year.” 

Butters turned his head to respond, probably to scold me but I would never hear his scolding because the second he turned towards me his face went white and he stopped in his tracks, dropping all the book he was carrying. I looked over at him but he was just staring at me, white as a sheet. 

I was about to ask him what was wrong when he rushed towards me, cupping my face. He wasn’t looking in my eyes, he was looking at the side of my face. “Kenny what in the world happened? Are you okay? Of course you aren’t okay! How did this happen? We gotta rush you to the hospital, or the nurse or… or something!” As he frantically spoke I started to put the pieces together, he was looking right at where I was hurt last night, right where I knew if I looked in the mirror I’d see a big gash.

Butters grabbed my hand, I assume to pull me to the nurses office so that she could call an ambulance but I stood firm, planting my feet so that no matter how hard he pulled, he wouldn’t be able to pull me anywhere. He spun around, fear and tears in his eyes. “Ken-”

“Can you see it…?” I could barely speak above a whisper, almost hoping he wouldn't hear and I was imagining it all. Almost wishing he could see, let me not be alone in this anymore. Most of all I was just afraid. Butters face went from confused to angry to sad and confused, “What do you mean “can I see it” your covered in blood! We gotta get you help right now!” He tried to pull me again but once again I stood my ground.

“Kenny-”  
“Butters no one else can see it. It doesn’t exist to anyone else.” When he still looked like he didn’t believe anything I said I grabbed his hand and brought it up to where the invisible injury was, ignoring the way he flinched when his fingers touched where the gash should be. His face settled into confusion when he felt nothing but normal skin. He moved closer and brought both hands up, running them both other my cheek. 

A group of students were walking by and I realized what we must like, standing in the middle of the hallway inches apart with his hands on my face. I coughed to try and get his attention and when that didn’t work I took his hands in mine, both bring them away from my face and down at our sides. 

He looked like he was going to say something so I spoke instead. “I can explain just… later.. The guys are gonna be wondering where we are if we don’t get to lunch soon.” He still looked unsure and like he was gonna resist so, without letting go of his hand, I started walking towards the lunch room. He followed without a thought.

He only gave any resistance once we were about to walk into the cafeteria. He tugged our hands so that it stopped me from entering. “Wait Ken, won’t they… well won’t they see your..the um.. Won’t they see?” I put on my most gentle smile but the scared worry in his face didn’t waver. “Leo, no ones noticed yet. No ones noticed all day, not even my sister. We’re gonna be fine. I’ll be fine.” 

When he still didn’t look convinced I pulled us by our joined hands into the lunch room. Butters kept glancing around but I just strutted forward, not taking my eyes away from our destination. As we got closer Butters leaned over to me, “This is crazy.” He whisper yelled. This was definitely not the craziest thing I’ve ever done. Instead of saying anything back, I just squeezed his hand.

I say down casually, with Butters following suit, looking at each of their reactions to me, or rather their lack of reaction. “Hey Kenny, Butters where were you guys?” Stan asked after we both sat down. “Probably making out in the janitors closet.” “Shut up fat-”

“DO NONE OF YOU GUYS NOTICE ANYTHING?!” Butters interrupted before Kyle could finish his insult. The whole table just stared at him while I was mentally face planting. “Jesus, what crawled up you vigina?” Deciding to save Butters from saying anything too stupid I stood up and pulled him with me, walking out in the hall claiming he was just cranky cause he was hungry and left his lunch in his locker. 

Once we were safe in the hall and away from anyone who could over hear us I rounded on him. “Why did you say that? They don’t know, they can’t see. If you keep blabing on like that someone's gonna lock you in the loony bin!” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He didn’t understand how deep this goes, how serious it really is. Or maybe he did how the hell would I know.

“Look Butters, I know this is all really weird and… confusing but just bare with me. Please. I promise I’ll explain everything soon, or I’ll explain everything I know… I’m sorry you got wrapped up in this crazy mess Leo…” I looked up and was surprised to see Butters had tears in his eyes and was looking like he was about to break down into a sob. 

I didn’t really know what to do,the only person I’ve ever really comforted is my sister. I guess sometimes when Stan gets wasted I’ll pat his back or talk him through whatever nonsense his drunken mind is obsessing over. This was… different though. Butters was more than a drunk out of his mind Stan and he was definitely different from my sister. 

I put my arms around him, pulling him in a semi-awkward hug in the middle of this abandoned hallway. That seemed to do the trick, at least enough for him to calm down after about 2 minutes of just hugging and rubbing circles in his back he finally said, “I just… I don’t understand.. How come no one else can see? How long has that been there? Why is it there? Have you…. Are you a ghost…” 

At his last words I almost broke into a laugh. Not that it was funny just.. I mean am I a ghost? I don’t think so but I’m pretty damn close. I pulled away a little and lifted his chin up with my hand. “Hear I can um.. Explain everything just,” I sighed, there was no way he’d be able to make it through the school day. “Here let’s skip. We can go to your house and I’ll explain this whole mess.” 

I knew it was rude to invite myself over like that but my parents don’t exactly leave the house, it’s not like they have steady jobs or anything. ‘In between jobs’ as they put it, but Moms waitressing job doesn’t exactly rack in the cash and Dad doesn’t work at all anymore. 

Butters looked unsure still though. “Come on, I know it’s not the first time you’ve skipped school and if you get grounded I’ll take the blame” Though he still didn’t look 100% convinced, he took my hand andway and lead me to the doors. 

The whole walk to his house was awkward and quiet. Butters never let go of hand and he was biting his lip the whole way, he look uh, worried to say the least. Once his front door closed behind us he turned on his heels and looked at me. He looked scared and sad and honestly a little mad, which didn’t make sense since it was my face that was fucked up. “Okay Leo,” I started, this was a conversation I was not looking forward to. But maybe it’ll be worth it, to tell someone and them actually believe me (well besides Cartman but… that’s another story all together). “You might want to sit down, this might take a while”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the beans are spilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i write this story in a google doc instead of doing my work in school and i’m so much ahead that i totally forgot i hadn’t posted this chapter already

 

“Do you remember how we used to play super heros all the time?” I didn’t bother letting him respond before I went on because, _of_   _course_ _he_ _remembered_ _he_ _was_   _our_   _bad_ _guy._  “Well you know how my characters power was that I couldn’t die? That was all true. All of it. I can’t die. But I do, all the time, at least once a week dude, but I never stay dead. No one in town ever remembers though.” I didn’t want to ramble but I knew that’s exactly what I was doing. I also knew that it was a lot to unload on one person but _God Damn did it feel good to tell someon._

 

“Remember the time Tweek was the fourth member in my gang, that was because _I died._ The time our Moms went to war on Canada, the reason I wasn’t part of that was because I was dead. I know that’s weird to hear but I die _all the time_  No one ever remembers, no matter what I do, no matter how I die, I always come back and they never remember. I don’t know why and I don’t think I ever will.”

 

I stopped talking for a second so I could compose myself, I’ve thought this very conversation through a million times but having it actually happen, having hope that the person I’m saying it to will actually remember it, it was so much different. I wanted him to remember, to believe me. To  _understand._

 

“Last night, I saved a women from some shitbags and she got away but I didn’t, that’s how I died _last_ night, I don’t know why my wound is visible now, they’ve never been like this before. And I really don’t know why you can see it when no one else can but… I’m glad you can. I know that’s selfish of me but I’m so tired of being in this alone..”

 

“Everybody acts like it’s normal. Like nothing happened, but I _can’t_ do that. I’ve died in almost every way possible. I’ve been beaten, burned, run over, shot, stabbed, _cooked_ , crushed. I’ve even _exploded_ before man.” I realized I was getting a little frantic so I took a breath to calm down before continuing.

 

When I started again my time was low, tired sounding.“Sometimes I go to Heaven, sometimes I go to Hell. Sometimes I go nowhere at all. Those are the worst times, when it’s just me, alone and I can’t see or hear anything, can’t even think. It feels like an eternity but at the same time it feels like only a few moments. But when I wake up it’s just like a dream I can barely remember at all. I wake up. I always wake up, in my same old lousy bed in my same old lousy house with my same old lousy life. That’s how it’s always been. How it always _will_ be.”

 

Butters hadn’t said anything after I finished. He just sort of… sat there. I figured he was letting it sink it. I wished he would do something, I was starting to feel kinda awkward just standing in the middle of his house with him just staring at me.

 

When it had sunk in he was on his feet, walking over to me. Pretty much every emotion someone can have passed over his face. By the time he was in front of me I wasn’t sure if he was gonna smack me or pull me into another bone crushing hug. You never know with Butters.

 

He did neither, he just stood real close, so close that when he spoke I could feel his breath on my face. “So… you’ve died before…” I nodded my head, “And you don’t know why?” I nodded again. “Oh Ken…” and before I knew it he was hugging me again. Once again, I didn’t mind. “That must be so hard for you! I’m sorry Ken. But at least you aren’t alone anymore right?” He was right, at least I wasn’t alone anymore, it felt good. But I felt bad that sharing my pain made me feel good. I hugged back, trying to push away my sudden burst of guilt.

 

I focused on my hand rubbing his back, it was easier to hyper focus on that than the fact that everything was gonna change, that he might get freaked out and never speak to me again. I honestly don’t know _what's_ gonna happen now.

 

“I think I need some time to uh… process this?” he said it like a question, as if I knew how to handle this, his voice was muffled by my chest. “Yeah that’s understandable, I can leave if you want…” I did not want to leave. School still wouldn’t be out for a few more hours and I wouldn’t really have anything to do if I left.

 

luckily Butters asked me to stay, he actually plugged up his Xbox and we played some Red Dead Redemption, I’d played before, several times, but he still beat me. He was really good at pretty much _any_ game we played, but I didn’t mind losing. Once his phones alarm went off we had to stop.

 

“What’s that for?” I asked as I put up his game, he walked to the kitchen to turn off his phone alarm. “It’s um, it tells me when my Dad gets off work, you better get goin Ken, I forgot to ask if you could come over and if he comes home and sees I’m hanging out with someone without asking… he’ll ground me forever. He’ll probably ground you too! Yeah, yep you better get goin.”

 

I didn’t tell him that his Dad _can’t_ ground me,I also didn’t tell him that it wasn’t natural for someone to be that afraid of their parent. Nope, I just started grabbing my backpack. I didn’t really _want_ to leave, I was having a good time and if he starts freaking out when I’m not here to calm him down then he could go into a full out panic. Just dropping that one of your closest friends dies about everyday isn’t exactly something easy to process.

 

I also knew he probably needed space. So I left, he hugged me goodbye like usual and I started the walk home. It was cold (like it always is here) and there wasn’t much people out. These days most people spend most of the time they aren’t at school or work at home on their phones or laptops. But I don’t mind that much, makes it easier to do whatever the fuck I feel like when no one's paying attention.

 

There wasn’t anyone at home (as I figured) so I went straight to my room and plopped down on my bed. I thought about doing some of my homework. I thought about going to one of the guys houses. I thought about getting a little high. Nothing sounded right. Everything sounded wrong. Everything felt wrong.

 

I started to get filled with anxiety, I just kept repeating “I shouldn’t have told him. I should have lied” over and over. I went over every possible thing that could go wrong; he could get freaked out and not want to be my friend anymore, he could start telling people and get put in a crazy house, he could tell everyone and they believe him and start killing me to test it out.

 

 The list just kept going and going so that by the time the sky turned dark I was a nervous wreck. I even thought about killing myself in the hope that he’d forget, but then I thought about him seeing me the next day with a giant hole in my head and my brains right in the open for him to see (if this weird thing kept up, we don’t even know how long it’ll last), that freak him out more than anything.

 

So I settled on just festering over it and overthinking and just letting whatever happen happen. Karen came home a little after dark (our parents had also come home a while ago, sitting themselves down on the couch and watching whatever was on) she walked into my room without knocking which normally would piss me off but she’s Karen so she can do whatever she fucking wants. She walked to my bed lightly, her feet barely touching my floor.

 

I’ve told her before that she doesn’t have to be so quiet, our parents don’t give a shit how loud she is. She never listens. “What’s up Karen?” I asked sitting up, her face was unreadable, blank in a way I’ve never seen it. Usually she’s so expressive, I can always tell what she was thinking, but she’s been hanging out with Traica more and more as the years went by so she’s gotten kinda better at hiding what she’s thinking and feeling, a Tucker trait that I wish didn’t get rubbed off on her.

It’s sorta good though because she’s had the same effect on Tricia, just like how Tweek made Craig more open Karen's made Tricia more open. But I could still somewhat see through her, right now was not that time, though she did look slightly troubled.

 

Instead of answering my question she just leaned against me. “Can I sleep in here tonight?” I pulled back the covers so that she could easily slip in, “of course” she let out a slightly relieved but mostly tired sigh. It wasn’t the kind of tired where you can’t keep your eyes open, it was a “today’s been draining I just want today to end” type of tired. I should know I feel that kind of tired a lot.

 

She’d had to sleep in the same room as our brother up until he left so it was hard to adjust to sleeping alone, even after all these years whenever there’s a thunderstorm or she’s had a bad day she comes to sleep with me.

 

Our brother left at 16, he was so close to graduating but one day he said he just couldn’t stand this dead end town and this dead end house. I can’t exactly blame him but I wish he left more than a note when he left, I wish he stayed in contact with Karen and me. He sent us a postcard last Christmas, it showed him and his wife, she was pretty and surprisingly not white, her belly was swollen with what was obviously a baby.

 

Sometimes I think about that kid, wonder what they’re like, what their name is. What they even look like. Once dad found the card he ripped it up and threw it out the window, despite how Karen had cried and cried and didn’t stop crying till she cried herself to sleep.

 

Dad said that Kevin’s a coward for leaving us, that he’s no good for skipping out on his family. I can’t blame him, actually I envy him. Maybe one day I’ll leave for good too, take Karen with me. We could have a good life, I could work at a little store far away from here, stay there long enough to work my way up, maybe the boss will grown fond of me, see me as a son and I’ll get to take over the business once they pass. Maybe I could take a certain sweet, blonde boy with us too. Maybe.

 

Karen didn’t say anything, just pulled the covers up high and turned on her side, away from me. “Goodnight Karen, I love you.” she didn’t say anything back. With an unhappy frown I too laid down and stared at the ceiling. Whatever was bothering her she’d tell me when she was ready. So as I waiting for sleep to find me I allowed my mind to wonder a bit, and as it does a lot, it went to a blonde boy with the brightest damn blue eyes I’ve ever seen, a literal ray of sunshine (most of the time).


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a shift in narrative

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imma double post today bc i haven't posted in forever

It was normal at first, just a perfectly normal day. I interrupted Kennys daily “ _ admiring himself in the mirror”  _ he looked spooked but I’m pretty sure that he was about to jerk off and was startled that I walked in. Thank God I walked in  _ before  _ I saw something that’d scar me for life. Anyway, I left home when Tricia texted me saying she was here, what I wasn’t expecting was Craig to be in the front seat. Normally her mom or dad takes us, Craig has only ever drove us to school one other time. 

 

That was my first sign that today wasn’t gonna be so easy after all. 

 

I hopped in the back and put my bag in my lap. “Good morning Tree, Craig, Tweek.” I said the last two boys more like a second thought, I didn’t want to be rude and  _ not  _ say good morning to them! “Morning, and don’t acknowledge them, Craigs only driving us as a punishment because he’s a dick.” Tricia said, rolling her eyes when she talked about her brother.

 

“Hey ass wipe, I can still make you walk to school you know so you better watch your mouth-” “Craig be nice to your sister. Yeah, she’s an ass wipe but you  _ deserved  _ it.”

Tweek scolded from the passenger seat. When it looked like no one was gonna say anything else I had to say  _ something.  _ “What’d you do?” Tricia smiled her cute, wicked smile, “he snuck out when he  _ knew  _ he was on thin ice.” “What’d he do to get him on thin ice?” I wish they’d just give me the full story without me having to ask for it Jesus.

 

This time Tweek answered, “he skipped almost a whole week of school!” “ _ With you.  _ You seem to keep leaving that part out babe.” That made Tweek a little flustered but he stayed strong. “Yeah but I told you not to sneak out  _ and  _ I told you we should stop skipping class.”

 

“I didn’t want to go to school and neither did you, so why would we go?” Craig asked. It always amazed me how the Tuckers were able to show their agitation while still keeping a monotone voice. True talent. “Okay let’s talk about something else! Tricia, Karen how are you guys? Tied the knot yet?” Tweek said lightly, jokingly. It didn’t feel much like a joke. 

 

Something you should know about me: I’m in love with Tricia Tucker. Another thing you should know: know one was supposed to know. And a side note, Tweek is very good at reading people (probably from having to figure out what Craigs feeling, through the blank stare and flat voice). You see, I’m not very comfortable with my sexuality, or my body, or my voice or just about everything, and falling for your best friend isn’t very fun. Especially when it’s so clear she doesn’t feel the same. 

 

So both our faces went as red as possible (which is more emotion than Tricia’s shown probably all week) “Don’t be an ass Tweek!” Tricia yelled, well, spoke over the normal talking voice, that’s about as close to yelling as she gets. She also kicked his seat to get her point across. “What, it was a genuine question!” Tweek said, putting his hands up as if to calm down a savage bear. “No we aren’t  _ “tying the knot”  _ we aren’t even dating, we aren’t even gay!” 

 

She didn’t notice how I stayed quiet, how I didn’t defend my heteroness. No one noticed. Craig was too busy trying to ignore the crap going on and intensely staring at the road, like if he focused on driving hard enough the rest of us would vanish, and Tricia was too busy fighting with Tweek and even observant Tweek was occupied talking with Tricia. So I just stayed quiet as the car slowed and we reached the school. 

 

I know how silly it is to say I’m in love at 14 but most people had claimed to be in love at three! In this town relationships come and go; you could be like Stan and Wendy, constantly on and off until Wendy finally declared she needed to experiment. Then she was on and off with that girlfriend for about a year. Now I think she’s dating some guy who used to go to a private school.

 

There was also Clary Wilson and Aiden Stone; they started dating in sixth grade and would usually stay together for about half a year then break up for a few months, only to get back together again. They’re still going in that pattern, maybe they always will.

 

I don’t want that to be me. At first I stayed away from relationships because I didn’t wanna waste my time, and then when I started wanting to date I realized that no matter how hard I tried I just didn’t like any of the boys. Then I started paying attention to my best friend. Sometimes I think maybe I’m imagining my feelings, then I see her smile or say something to me. And I know what I’m feeling is real.

 

Another thing you should know is that Tuckers don’t take love lightly. Craig has been dating Tweek since  _ fourth _ grade! Even Mrs and Mr Tucker, they met when they were 17 and have been together since. On that note let me say that Tricia has never had a boyfriend…. Or a girlfriend… Sure, she talks about getting a boyfriend sometimes but less these days then she used to. 

 

The whole day I couldn’t stop thinking about what Tweek said. At this rate I really don’t think Tricia will ever see me in that light, I guess all I can do is hope. But as the the final bell drew closer she became all I could think about. I couldn’t focus on  _ anything.  _ Until the bell finally did ring and Tricia was waiting for me outside my classroom. My stomach did a weird flip and I couldn’t hold back my smile. If all I looked at for the rest of my life was her, I think that’d be okay. I think I’d like that a lot. 

 

We walked on, to the car line, our shoulders occasionally brushing along the way. It was so  _ so  _ clear that she’d never feel the same. I felt like I’d lost something I’d never had. “Hey what’s wrong with you?” Tricia asked while we waited, snapping me out of my spiraling thoughts.I didn’t realize what I must have looked like, I didn’t realize anyone was watching.

 

“Uh… what do you mean?” I didn’t sound convincing even to me.  

 

She looked unhappy at my response. “Well if you don’t wanna tell me you don’t have to, but I can’t help you if I don’t know what I’m helping you  _ with. _ ” 

 

I couldn’t tell her and my brain was not good at thinking under pressure. I was totally blanking. “I’m just overthinking things… sorry.” Before she could speak (if she even was going to say something at all, sometimes it’s hard to tell with her) her mom pulled up. I felt brief relief that she was behind the wheel and not Craig.

 

“Mom, Karen’s sad can we get KFC to cheer her up?” she said as soon as we were in the car. Typical Tucker behavior, straight to the point.

 

Tricia cares, she shows she cares in her own ways. Another reason why I love her. She never flat out shows her affection, yeah we’ll hug but I mean _ really  _ show that you care. She does dumb things like ask about your day or your dreams, she’ll remember things you’ve told her too. Granted, she remembers pretty much everything but if she doesn’t care about you then she won’t bother to care about the things happening to you.

 

She’s also pretty glued to her phone, like most of South Park, but more so. But when she’s with me she’ll always put it away, only for me. 

 

After we got KFC it was a short ride to my house, the whole time I could  _ feel  _ her eyes staring at me. The few times I got brave enough to glance over at her expression didn’t waver, she looked a little concerned. I don’t want her worrying about me but if she knew  _ what  _ was making me sad who knows what she’d do. I tried to give her what I was hoping was a reassuring smile.

 

She didn’t smile back. 

 

When I closed my front door the only thing I wanted to do was lay in bed. Dad and mom were lounging on the cough.  _ Deadbeats _ . Thank God I had Kenny, I don’t know how I’d survive if it was just me and my parents. Laying in my bed sounded nice but I’d really rather not be alone right now. So instead of going to my cold, empty room I went to his,trying to not look at the spot on the wall where Kevins picture used to hang.

 

“Can I sleep in here tonight?” I don’t know why I bother asking, I know what the answer will be. What it always is. I can feel him staring at me, just like Tricia was. Like he’s trying to hear what I’m not saying. I knew I should talk to him, “Good night Karen, I love you” but I didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please give me comments i thrive off them


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things are heating up.... sort of

The next morning was different, I guess. But still familiar. The first thing that came back to me was that Karen was right beside me, then I remembered something was wrong with her, then I remembered Butters and what I had told him. I was nervous for what was ahead, what he’d say. 

 

But that was a problem for later, right now I needed to do something to make my sister feel a little better.

 

Luckily for me my body had decided to wake me up much earlier than was necessary, it happened frequently since all of last month I had to go to my job before school to open up while I waited for the owner to come. 

 

I got out of bed carefully to not wake Karen. Unsurprisingly my parents were still passed out so I had no trouble grabbing the things I needed to make pancakes. When our brother left Karen got really sad; everyday she’d mope around, so I’d make her pancakes and that’d cheer her up, when life was shit she knew she could always rely on a hot pancake the in the morning. I wasn’t a very good cook but she didn’t seem to mind.

 

I made two for Karen, one for mom and one for dad, even if they didn’t deserve it I still wanted to brighten their day too. I had enough batter to make two more pancakes, I thought over my options. I could make one for me and another for mom or Karen, I could make one really big one, I could make a bunch of small ones. None of those options felt right so I made two normal sized ones and gave myself two, except the second wasn’t for me, I had a certain boy in mind who I knew loved any breakfast foods. 

 

Mom was the first one to come into the kitchen, she told me how good it smelt and when I gave her hers she thanked me and gave me a hug. My mom wasn’t always great at expressing her love but she tried, at least sometimes, that’s more than my dad can say. My mom left, taking dads plate with her to give to him. 

 

Karen was next to enter, still in her pajamas, except she had on some old shirt over her pjs, it looked like it belonged to our mom or grandma… maybe both. “Kenny, did you make these for me?” I smiled and she smiled, that’s already an improvement from last night. We chatted about nothing important until we heard a knock at the door, which is strange cause people hardly ever come over. Sometimes the guys will stop by but never to stay, only to get me. Karen hasn’t ever wanted anyone over. I shared a confused look with Karen and got up to get the door. On the other side was, surprisingly, Butters. He looked cold and a little out of breath, he tried to smile as a way of greeting but he was shivering so much that it was hard for him to talk.

 

I quickly ushered him inside and he thanked me. I felt the little bubble of self conscious I always got whenever anyone came into my house but I tried to push it down. Everyone likes to think of Butters as this completely kind hearted and sweet boy, which is true but they tend to leave out the part where he’s also judgmental as fuck and can be kind of mean when he wants to be, but almost never towards me.

 

I remembered the pancakes, the  _ extra  _ pancake, and sat him down in the kitchen and pushed a plate with the singular pancake on it, I grabbed my own and hopped on the counter and ate it like a cookie. Butters kept switching his gaze from looking down at the breakfast and up at me. “Ken wouldn’t  _ you  _ rather have this? I know your family doesn’t have a whole lot o-” 

 

“Butters, it’s one pancake, and besides,” I crammed the last bit of mine in my mouth, “I already had my full.” Butters finally gave in and took a bite from his pancake,holding it like I had. He looked a little uncomfortable eating  it with his hands but he didn’t say anything.

 

“So…” Butters looked up from his eating when I started talking, “what are you doing here, not that I mind the company, you’ve just never done anything like this before.” Butters looked away, a little embarrassed which I didn’t really get since after all whatever the reason it couldn’t be that big a deal, definitely not anything  to get embarrassed about. But I had to remind myself that this  _ is  _ Butters Stotch, he’ll get embarrassed over practically anything. 

 

“I just thought we could walk to the bus stop together… might as well right, we sit by each other anyway and we live so close.” It was a plain lie. He was lying. His house is on the other side of town, for him to walk all the way over here this early is way out of his way. I just didn’t understand  _ why  _ he’d make the extra effort, there was no reason to. If it was just that he wanted to see me we would have seen each other on the bus in like 10 minutes. 

 

Basically, it was fishy. 

 

But I wasn’t gonna question it because if I questioned it he might not do it again and hanging with him, even for a little bit before school, made me happier than I’d like to admit. 

 

Pretty soon we were heading out the door, back into the cold. Before we left I took another look at myself in the mirror. Yep. The scare was still there, hideous and obvious. Or…  _ not  _ obvious. Except to Butter (which still didn’t make any sense but when did anything in South Park  _ ever _ make sense). I pulled my strings tighter, to hide my scar  _ and  _ to keep my face out of the freezing winds. 

 

I could feel Butters when he glanced at me. And he glanced at me  _ a lot.  _ Pretty much every few minutes he’d look over and watch me, I don’t know what he was looking for but I hoped he found it. 

 

It was my day for music so I put on the playlist Butters let me make on his phone. The whole time I was messing around with his music I could feel him just  _ watching _ me, like he was studying me or something. I’m used to people staring at me, let it be they’re admiring me or talking trash about who I’ve done or my financial state, but this was a different kind of staring. And I didn’t like it one bit. 

 

I sharply turned my head to him and found wide baby blue eyes staring back at me, much too close. “Butters what is it? You’ve been staring at me like you expect me to morph into an alien or something.” Butters looked down and started fidgeting with his hands, rambling much too soft for me to hear, he looked a little embarrassed. “I just uh, I don’t know you look different kinda. I don’t know how I never noticed before ya know?”

 

No. No I did not know. I had no clue what he was talking about. I haven’t changed since last night and I don’t know what he’s only just now noticing. I would say the gash on my face but there’s no way he’d be able to notice before cause it wasn’t there before. “Uh no? Could you elaborate dude?” The next song from my playlist started playing ( ‘Body’ from the band Mother Mother, Butter claimed they were too angsty for him but one time I caught him listening to them without me) Butters spoke again, bringing one of his feet on the bus seat, turning fully towards me.

 

“Never noticed what you’ve been going through. I mean I knew things weren’t the best at home, everyone does, but I only know a few kids who have a good home life so I never thought about it that much. But I should have realized how much you’re hurting. You never talk about yourself Ken, you’re always right there listenin’  to everyone else talk, never contributing, I used to think it was ‘cause of your hood but even when you stopped wearing it you  _ still  _ didn’t add to the conversation. I’m sorry for not noticing something was up...”

 

I felt like I should be a little offended by that, I added sometimes but he was right, I didn’t talk a whole lot. I didn’t know what to say and I was feeling kind of embarrassed so I just looked down. Luckily I didn’t have to focus too much on trying to find something to say but he kept going.

 

“But now that I  _ have  _ noticed and now that I know, I promise I’ll  _ be better.  _ I’ll be here.” 

When he said that he put his hand on my arm as some kind of reassurance or comfort but I didn’t really need it? I feel like he thought I was upset or down in the dumps or something but honestly I was just fine, a little confused as to why he thought I was sad, but fine. 

 

“Butters,” I started after he just stayed there, hand on my arm and looking at me like I was a wounded puppy, “I’m totally okay. I’ve been dealing with this for well… ever. This has been my whole life and even though it doesn’t sting anymore after I’ve died and come back with no one noticing, it still hurts  _ sometimes,  _ but I can handle it. I’ve  _ been  _ handling it.” I appreciate him caring, it was new and different but at the same time I didn’t want to be treated like a baby. 

 

“That is so wrong.” that wasn’t what I had expected him to say, he has a habit of surprising me. “You shouldn’t  _ have _ to  _ ‘handle it’  _ that’s just awful! I feel so stupid for not knowing what was going on before...” That didn’t sit well with me, not at all. I put my hand over his hand that was on my arm, it was kind of an awkward thing for me to do but it felt right. 

 

“Everyone has problems Leo; Stans dads an alcoholic, Kyle's mom's a psycho bitch, Clyde  _ killed _ his mom, and your dad… well you know… We all have our own issues going on, it’s just important that we don’t let it consume us. If we’re all so caught up in ourselves that we lose everyone else then it’ll make everything so much worse. So yeah I have shit going on but I’m working on seeing the good.” 

 

I felt like that whole speech was pretty impressive and I thought I did a good job because Butters was looking thoughtful. “Well, I don’t know what good you could possibly see when you’re dying everyday..” he said in a grumpy kind of voice.

 

“I see you, and you seem pretty good to me.” 

 

I was embarrassed the second I said it, it sounded just like something out of a cheesy rom com. I wasn’t exactly  _ thinking  _ when I said that, I’m not like Kyle, I don’t overthink every little thing before I do it. Maybe I should start doing that. But at the same time I guess if I say something too bad I can always just off myself and then they won’t remember what I said. That’s kinda cheating but who cares.

 

“Then I’ll just have to try and make your days even better.” Butters said in a mix of enthuseasum and unsurity. As if it was natural. I took it he doesn’t get random compliments very often. I made a mental note to compliment him more. 

I don’t know why but that sentence just stuck with me long after we parted ways. All during First hour his words kept repeating in my head.

 

_ “Then I’ll  _  just have to make your days even better”

 

His smile, the way he smiled at me when he spoke.

 

_ “Then I’ll  _  just have to make your days even better”

 

He’s always been caring but more so to me.

 

_ “Then I’ll  _  just have to make your days even better”

 

He makes my days better than I thought was possible. 

 

_ “Then I’ll  _  just have to make your days even better”

 

I have feelings for Butters Leopold Stotch. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things don't always go as we want, they don't always go how we want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i now have 10 chapters written !!!

I had been nonstop looking up romance things on Google. I’ve looked up everything from  _ ‘How to Tell if Your Crush Likes You’  _ to  _ ‘How to Get Your Crush to Like You’  _ and about a million quizzes that are supposed to tell me if I am actually in love or not. 

 

I wanted to see her so badly but I also desperately  _ didn’t.  _

 

When I woke up the bed was empty and the house smelt good. Mom called me over and gave me a hug and said good morning. She had gotten me a sweater and she needed to see if it fit or not. It looked old, really old and kind of worn out (like all our clothes) and I quickly realized that it probably used to be hers from when she was a girl. 

 

It was vintage and vintage was cool...right? 

 

It fit me pretty well, it was just a tad too big but it was just a cute sorta basic sweater with a basic design that was dulled by age. It smelt like dust and cigarette smoke and mom.

 

I liked it a lot.

 

When I walked in the kitchen I wasn’t surprised to see that Kenny had made pancakes. 

Butters of all people stopped by which was weird…. Kids have a rumor that anyone who walks inside my house will get herpes on the spot, so the kids in my grade don’t come near my house. Basically we aren’t used to company.

 

I barely had enough time to brush my teeth and throw on my shoes (red converse with holes in them. Literal  _ holes.  _ Side note: on the white part of my shoes there are stars and hearts and all kinds of scribbles for when Tricia and I get bored and doodle on my shoes (mostly during church serves))  before Tricia texted me that she was outside. I’ve had to ride the bus for the last month because Tricia’s moms car had been broken so her parents had to carpool to work, aka they had to leave super early so that both of them could get to work on time. It was nice to be back to being a car rider.

 

Like everyday Tricia sat in the back seat of her dads car and her dad looked uncomfortable being at this run down side of town. The adults always got sorta awkward whenever they saw anyone in my family  or my house. But they donated their spear cans of creamed corn to the food drive and that was enough charity work from them to us for them to feel like good people. Apparently cleaning out your pantry and giving the extra food you know you’ll never eat is enough  to make you feel like you aren’t a shitty person.

 

That's another thing I liked about Tricia; she didn’t let my financial state change how she felt about me but she also didn’t ignore it completely. Shed make jokes about it and she bring me snacks, acting like she was doing what she’d do to anyone and not because I didn’t have snacks at home. She just treated me like a normal person.

 

Because that’s what I am. 

 

Something about me I think is kinda important: I’m not an observant person. Like at all. I mean if someone has a lot of expressions then  _ yeah  _ but I wasn’t very good at picking up on things, but I was good at feeling peoples like…. Aura’s? If that makes sense? 

 

Like their vibe sorta? I don’t know it’s something like that.

 

Or maybe I just like to think I’m special. I think everyone does though.

 

And I’m only bring that up because I  _ feel  _ like something is up with my brother. I mean everything seems right, he seems relatively carefree and happy, he’s been smoking the same amount of weed and he’s been the same amount of horny as always but I don’t know. Things feel off with him, like his mind (or aura or spirit or  _ whatever _ ) used to be a light breeze is now cloudy. Something's up and he’s not telling me. 

 

Sometimes I think he doesn’t tell me things to protect me or whatever but I don’t need that. I should be able to handle whatever is going on with him. Shouldn’t I? 

 

The second I opened the door and saw Tricia, sitting with her head cranned down looking at her instagram, all my thought of my brother vanished. Suddenly all I cared about was her.

 

Her.

Her.

_ Her. _

 

Once the door shut and I grabbed for my seat belt she looked up and at me. Her eyes widened for a second and she visibly looked me up and down. I could feel  _ and  _ see it. It made me uh… feel things.

 

I had also done something different with my hair; I have been practicing braids and right now I had two small french braids on the top of my head and the rest of my hair down like usual. I saw a girl on the street wear it like this and I practiced for two days to be able to get it right but it was my first time feeling confident enough to wear it like this out in public.

 

Finally Tricia’s eyes locked with mine and she smiled, well smirked. That no good smile of hers, it was going to be the death of me. “You look fresh out of an 80’s magazine with that sweater.” I had almost forgotten I was wearing an old sweater. 

 

Normally when people tease me I take it personally, I’m not exactly known for being crazy tough. In sixth grade the guys had this ‘game’ where they’d see who could make me cry with the fewest words. The record was one word, but that was just cause I was having a bad day that day. But with Tricia, I never took her taunts seriously, it was different when it was her. She was allowed to tease me, “at least I don’t look straight out of crack whores weekly” and I was allowed to tease her back. 

 

“What can I say, I wanted to follow in your mom's footsteps.”  

 

We were able to say fake mean things and laugh because it was just us. And of course her dad didn’t even remotely react from the front seat, actually he had on the exact facial expression that Craig had on the day before when he was trying to hyper focus on the road to make us go away. Must be a Tucker thing.

 

School was shit. Well actually it wasn’t all that bad. It was one of my friends birthday so he brought cupcakes to share with only his friends, it was sweet (literally). 

 

I didn’t even have any homework! So that was also sweet, today was gonna be good. Tricia invited me over after school and of  _ course  _ I said yes. She said she had a surprise to show me and I’d be lying if I hadn’t been thinking about all the possibilities of what it could be all day. 

 

When lunch rolled around Tricia and I escaped behind the school to annoy the goth kids. In reality we kind of liked hanging around them, the oldest of them had graduated and I think they (deep down) liked our occasional company.  

 

When we stepped out, lunch in hand, they all collectively rolled their eyes but moved so we’d have room to sit nonetheless.

 

We’d actually gotten kind of close with Firkle ever since we caught him making out with some peppy Canadian kid. He had gone red and begged us not to tell, I didn’t think the goth kids were even capable of feeling things before that day. Firkle had even gone rollerskating with us once, granted we did all the skating and he sat there drinking a slushy and smoking (even though the sign  _ clearly  _ said no smoking). It was a nice change to hang with the goth kids every now and then. Okay well maybe not a  _ nice  _ change but, a change nonetheless. 

 

They’d even give us some cigarettes to smoke,  _ that  _ was nice. I had been somewhat hesitant to pick up smoking at first, I knew all the negatives of it, but one day I just said ‘fuck it’ and did it. I mean my teeth are already bad since sometimes toothpaste is rare and I already smell like smoke all the time so why not right. To hell with my lungs, cancer can kiss my ass. Woah, I’ve been hanging around Tricia too much. 

 

So we shared a smoke and ate our lunches, talking idly with the goth kids, they called us conformists but they didn’t kick us out so we knew they’re just full of it. We listened to the goth kids talk about how shitty their lives were and how useless everything was, Tricia nodded her head and agreed with pretty much everything they said, which didn't surprise me.  Tricia would make a good goth kid, actually she’d make a perfect goth kid but I don’t think she gave enough fucks to completely change her look. 

 

Besides she wasn’t  _ that  _ cynical. Or maybe she was…

 

The last few hours came and went in a blur, the last three hours of school are basically a count down till I can see Tricia again. And when I did she was leaning against a wall, phone in hand while some guy was talking to her, she ignored him in favor of her phone. He was flirting with her, it was obvious from the way he was standing and presenting himself. She didn’t look into it which made me feel relieved (and guilty that I felt relieved). He said something that must have gotten her attention because her head shot up and she looked slightly startled. I felt a pool of jealousy spread throughout me that someone else was able to make her feel things. I knew that was a possessive thing to think so I pushed it down, she’s her own person, I reminded myself, she can do and think and say whatever she wants. 

 

Seeing that whatever he had said had gotten a reaction from her the guy kept going and she wasn’t even trying to hide what she was feeling anymore, her emotions were clear on her face, which was weird seeing her show emotions in public. He kept going and he said something that made her tense up and she looked over his shoulder  _ right at me.  _ She shook her head rapidly and he smirked and out one of his hands on the wall behind her, by her head.

 

I didn’t know  _ what  _ to do, she was uncomfortable, that was clear, but I felt rooted to where I stood. Suddenly he said something else that I couldn’t hear (which was frustrating because I wanted to know  _ what was happening)  _ and she darted her eyes back at me for a split second again before jumping up on her toes and pressing her lips to his with her eyes squeezed shut. It all happened way too fast and way too slow at the same time. 

 

The kiss lasted for only a few seconds and I could  _ feel  _ my stomach drop. It literally felt like my heart had stopped. I wanted to run. I no longer felt frozen to the spot and the thought of staying where I was for one more second made me sick. I felt sick. I thought I might puke. I was about to turn tail and run as fast as I could to the bathroom before I burst into tears or threw up but Tricia had sped walked towards me without me even knowing it and before I knew what was happening she walked by me, head down and when she passed me she muttered a “cmon” and I didn’t really have any other choice but to follow her. 

 

I felt like a ghost in a way. Like not real. Like  _ no way  _ had my best friend, the girl I was  _ in love with  _ had kissed some rando guy. Or maybe he wasn’t random at all. Had Tricia had a boyfriend this whole time and I just never noticed? My heart sunk further at that thought.  _ I wouldn’t be surprised, she’s not exactly one for talking about personal things happening in her life.  _

 

I guess I had always had this fake expectation that we’d be each others first kiss, first everything. That fantasy was shattered along with my heart. The car ride was… awkward. Really awkward. It’s not unheard of for the Tuckers to have silent car rides or silent dinners, they weren’t really a family of talkers, but this car ride was  _ different.  _ Tricia had her head down but she wasn’t looking at her phone. 

 

I wasn’t paying attention to her though, I could barely stand to  _ look  _  at her. I needed to be home  _ right now  _ before I burst into tears right then and there.

 

So I asked to go home instead of her house, I claimed that it was because I had a lot of homework. Her mother took me home and I didn’t see the way Tricia's face fell and her eyes got slightly teary when I left the car. Like I said, I’m not a very observant person. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all fake for not commenting (jk i wuv u guys)


	6. Chapter 6

Since my new uh…  _ development  _ I couldn’t really think of anything else, so I skipped (two days in a row… whoops) _.  _ Maybe it wasn’t new, maybe I had always liked him like this. I thought about the few  _ adult  _ dreams I’ve had about him, about how when something happens I’ll think  _ “I wonder what Buttes would think of that”,  _ I thought about how sometimes I’d try a little harder when I knew I was going to see him, I’d splash some water on my face or comb my hair. As I walked out the doors I realized that it was pretty damn obvious I had romantic feelings for him.

 

_ Hell dude,  _ I had even  _ JERKED OFF THINKING ABOUT HIM BEFORE.  _ To be fair I’ve thought about pretty much anything you could imagine to get myself off but  _ still.  _ I couldn’t face him now. I just couldn’t. 

 

I didn’t know where I was going exactly, I was just letting my feet take the lead. I ended up by my house but I didn’t want to go inside, that was the  _ last  _  thing I wanted to do, so instead I went to the rundown Sodo So-Pop, aimlessly walking around the ruble. 

 

I used to bring girls back here and get head (or more) or smoke weed, actually the first time I ever did acid I did in one of these buildings. All of that feels so long ago. I feel old. Really old. I thought about going to the top of one of the buildings and just jumping, restarting seemed really good right now. I walked to the top of the building, sitting on the very edge and letting my feet hang off. It was high, definitely high enough that if I fell it would kill me. I didn’t feel like feeling that kind of pain though so I just sat there, sending a quick text to Stan that I was gonna skip and if he wanted to come over and get high with me we could.

 

Not even 5 seconds later I felt my phone ping (one of the cheapest and crappiest phones you could buy).

 

_ Stan the Man: Jesus dude ues PLeASE if I have to listen to Mr. David for one more seconf I’m gonna DIE _

 

I grinned at his spelling errors as I told him where I was. In less than 10 minutes I saw him walking towards the building I was at. He could have gotten there a million times quicker if he used his car but in 10th grade, when he started driving, his parents had put a tracker in his car after he went away to find some lost continent that apparently the government had covered up and all of history had forgotten it’s existence. He and Kyle were gone for 2 months till eventually the president had caught him and we only got them back because Mr.Slave had some of the presidents nudes when they had dated in college. The whole town had to be sworn to secrecy and no one was ever to talk of the incident again. 

 

South Park never got any easier to live in. 

 

Stan stayed with me for a few hours, we smoked a little and had some time to catch up. I didn’t realize how long it’d been since we just hung out. He told me that his sister had finally moved out and was going to go to some college in Nebraska, he thinks he might be bisexual which was interesting. We’d never really  _ talked  _  about sexuality before, by we I mean our whole gang. 

 

Kyle had said that he doesn’t wanna put a label on it but I think he’s just confused and doesn’t wanna think about it. 

 

Stans sworn he’s straight but I remember the first time we watched Guardians of the Galaxy and he seemed a little  _ too  _ interested in Chris Pratt for a straight guy (he even had a poster of him hanging on his closet door the next time I was over) so I don’t doubt he’s bi. 

 

And Cartman well… he says he’s straight straight straight but we all know he’s more desperate for dick than me. We also know he’ll  _ never  _ admit it so he can think whatever he wants.

 

Actually one time Kyle said to Cartman that it was okay if he was gay and Cartmans whole face turned red and he got super defensive. It was kind of funny to see him so worked up (funny in a scary kind of way). 

 

And as for me, I’ve never flat out ‘came out’ to anyone but everyone knows I’ve slept with guys and girls and I dated a nonbinary person in middle school, they were cool, we had fun. Plus I have a Pansexual pride patch on my backpack so I’m not exactly being slick.

But we don’t really have a lot of deep, personal conversations…. It was refreshing to just talk about stuff with Stand. I don’t know why I did it, maybe it was cause I was high but before I was even aware of what I was thinking about doing I blurted:

 

“I think I like Butters… in a non friend kind of way.”

 

Stan didn’t immediately react, his expression didn’t even change, he just took another hit and then looked at me as he blew the smoke out. 

 

“Oh”

 

That’s all he said.  _ Oh. _ Of fucking  _ course  _ that’s all he’d say. 

 

“What um… what do you think of that..?” I tried to sound as nonchalant as I could by not looking at him and taking the pipe and lighter. He took his mother fucking time to respond. “I don’t really care dude. If you wanna fuck Butters or marry him or something I don’t care. It’s a little weird but who cares.”

 

I don’t know what I was expecting, maybe I thought he’d be mad or demand I stop liking him. Maybe I was hoping he’d say something and it’d snap me out of it and I’d get to go  _ ‘wow that was crazy! Man, I don’t know what came over me!’  _ and we’d laugh and have a smoke and it’d be okay. 

 

It can still be okay. It  _ will  _ still be okay.

 

The conversation went back to normal after that, we talked about Karen and if there was (another) zombie apocalypse and what we’d do. Our conversation got cut short when Stans phone started ringing. I guess we had lost track of time and gotten more high than either of us meant to. It was Kyle who was calling Stan and I could hear a muffled, worried Kyle through his phone.

 

“Yeah yeah I’m sorry I didn’t realize the ti-”

A beat of muffled.

“We’re leaving now!”

He stood up and I stood up with him.

“Yeah I know you don’t lik-”

More muffled talking.

“....Yeah we’re high…”

Muffled yelling.

“Yeah we’ll be there soon…”

 

The walk back was kind of awkward but I was too high to really feel any emotions upfront. “I mean he’s gotten high! We get high all the time, we’ve  _ all  _ gotten high! Together! I know he doesn’t want me smoking at school but I mean come  _ on _ ! I won’t get caught and he’s not my mom!”

 

Oh yeah and Stan was ranting. Stan was ranting The. Whole. Way. There.  

 

The lunch table wasn’t too pleased to see us. Well what I mean by that is Cartman didn’t look up from his phone and Kyle immediately started chewing Stan out about the dangers of being high at school but Butters. Butters was looking happy to see us… in a worried slightly hurt sort of way. He walked to me slowly, as if it’d been years since we’d last seen each other. I thought he might hug me again, I think he  _ was  _ going to hug me but then he look around and realized that if he did that everyone would see. So instead he just stood in front of me.

 

“I assumed the worst… where were you?” He wasn’t accusing or angry, he sounded so genuine. I shoved my hands in my pockets, “Yeah I’m sorry Leo, I just didn’t want to go to class so I skipped with Stan.” Butters didn’t move his eyes from looking at me straight on and it was clear he had no intention of replying so I threw my arm over his shoulder and started steering us back towards the lunch table. Stan eyed me from where he stood still in front of Kyle. I tried to push my slight embarrassment down. “I won’t skip without telling you again.” I must have imagined the way he leaned into me.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The rest of the day was pretty much a blur, I didn’t pay attention  and I didn’t do any of my work. Fifth hour Stan and I had a contest as to how many sticky notes we could put on Cartman without him noticing, so far the record was 46. Kyle also had Math this hour but Mr. Knows Everything was taking college level math. He was taking AP  _ everything.  _

 

Since I didn’t do anything but space out in all my classes I had a lot of homework. Was I going to  _ do  _ the homework? Hell no. 

 

Stan had invited me over and I had  _ happily  _ agreed, the whole gang was gonna be there to check out this new video game he had gotten, I just wanted to drop my bag off and see if Karen was at Tricia’s or not. 

 

The house was weirdly quiet, mom and dad were passed out on the couch together, mom resting her head on his chest. You’d almost think it was cute if you didn’t know what they were like when they were awake. 

 

The house was dark except for the TV and except for a light from my room. I didn’t  _ think  _ I had left my light on, I always make sure it’s off before I leave otherwise the bill’s gonna be off the walls. I opened my door and wasn’t surprised to find what I knew I’d see: Karen, on my floor with her books on the ground around her, it looked like she was  _ trying  _ to do her work or read her book but it was clear her mind was elsewhere. She didn’t even notice me walking in. 

 

She did notice me however when I got closer and started to sit down by her. She slowly turned her head to me, her eyes looked drained of all energy and dulled. It seemed unfair that a 14 year old should be feeling that way. Her eyes filled with tears and she threw her arms around my torso, I was prepared for that response and had my arms ready to hug her back. I rubbed circles in her back like I’ve done so many times before, and gently shushed her. 

 

Once she had calmed down a bit I finally decided that she couldn’t keep whatever was making her so upset a secret. “Karen, you gotta tell me what happened. I don’t care if you don’t want to,you have to.” I know that sounded harsh but we’ve never kept secrets before and we weren’t about to start now. I guess that’s a little hypocritical of me since I literally  _ die  _ pretty much everyday and she doesn’t know. 

 

She pulled away and looked a little defeated, it looked like she was thinking over what exactly to tell me when my phone started ringing. I was gonna just let the dick head whos calling go to voicemail but I didn’t want there to be ringing going on while Karen was telling me so I pulled my phone out of my pocket.

 

_ Craig Fucker (big dicc) calling _

 

I clicked the decline button and not even two seconds later he was calling again! When I declined a _second_ time he called _AGAIN!_ I was ready to decline again when Karen stopped me. “If he’s calling so much it must be important.” she had a point but she could also just be trying to weasel out of talking with me. I reluctantly clicked the answer button and put him on speaker. 

 

_ “Kenny what the fuck did Karen do to my sister?!”  _ No hello, just straight to the point. Karen had sat up and widened her eyes when he said that. “I have no clue what you’re talking about.” I could  _ feel  _ Craig wanting to punch me, not like I even did anything.  _ “Oh YES she did. My sister came home looking all mopey and when I asked her what happened she just said ‘something happened with Karen, I don’t want to talk about it’ so back to my original point: what the fuck did your sister do.”  _

 

I looked back over at Karen, she wasn’t looking at me, she looked hurt and ashamed. What the fuck happened? “Look dude I don’t know what Karen did, it’s their business, they can handle it on their own.” I said all of this while looking  _ directly at Karen.  _ She visibly swallowed and nervously looked up at me. 

 

_ “I don’t need you telling me how to be a brother dick. You figure out what the hell happened and you tell me.”  _

 

And then the asshole just hung up! 

 

“Karen what happened? Is  _ this  _ why you’re so upset?” Karen closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. “I...she kissed a guy today.” that’s all she said. I knew there was more to the story so I pressed on, “annnd..?” 

 

She closed her eyes and when she opened them again there  _ was  _ tears in her eyes. “And um I should have stayed with her instead of coming home.. She invited me over but I was so… distraught by the whole thing that I just left…” I knew there was  _ still  _ more to the story but this time I didn’t push. “I get it, you did what felt right for you but sometimes you have to do things for other people. You’re a good person Karen but sometimes you have to be a little selfless. Even when it sucks. But it’s also important that you do things for yourself every once in a while.” She seemed like she understood, she looked a little hurt but hey someone had to tell her and we all know our parents won’t.

 

I love Karen but she is kind of a selfish person. It’s not like she  _ tries  _ to be selfish, she’s selfish in a way that she isn’t even aware she is. A subtle kind of selfish. 

 

“Come on, I’m going to Stans house, I’ll drop you off at Craig’s too. You’re gonna resolve this shit with Tricia.” 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the real plot is coming pretty soon,, but these chapters are good too

I did not want to go inside. I just stood outside her house, staring at it. I think I would have just stood out there till my feet froze if Kenny hadn’t walked up behind me, knocked twice on the door then vanished. I could feel my heart beating and my body starting to sweat. Mrs. Tucker opened the door and smiled warmly down at me. “Hello Karen! I thought you weren’t coming over today.” “Yeah uh I changed my mind. If it’s still okay for me to be over.” Mrs. Tucker directed me upstairs and told me dinner would be ready in a few hours. I can’t remember the last time  _ my  _ family sat down together for a meal. It might have been thanksgiving, Kenny had treated us all to KFC, I was so happy I cried. It was the first time since Kevin left that our family felt whole. 

 

The walk to Tricias room felt like I was walking to my death. The feeling of something big about to happen was there again. Once again I was standing outside a door, at least this time I wasn’t in the cold. 

 

Craig walked out of his room, he was in a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. He looked surprised to see me then quickly he got control of himself and his emotions went back to his neutral, bored expression. 

 

I wondered (not for the first time) why the Tuckers felt like they had to be emotionless voids. Was all their family like this? Did Tricia have a great uncle or something who got shunned because he was like a clown or comedian or something? 

 

Before I could fall down a rabbit hole of thoughts or before Craig and I just staring at each other got too weird he walked over to me, opened the door, and kept back on his mission of doing God knows what.

 

“Hello?” and then “Hey ass fuck I know you’re a dick who has cow shit for a brain but I am  _ not  _ in the mood today!” Her voice got louder, telling me that she was walking towards me.  She opened her door fully, her face twisted in anger. She too was dressed in lounge wear, she had on a T shirt (actually one of  _ my  _ T-shirts but I didn’t have time to dwell on that fact) and pj pants. Apparently everyone in this house ditched their common clothes the second they walked through the door and out of the public eye. 

 

When she saw me all the anger left her face, to be replaced with surprise then she tried to do the ‘typical tucker cover up’ where they try to make their expression blank and unreadable. It’s a good thing I know her better than that. I could tell she didn’t exactly know how to feel. After a few seconds (or maybe more) of us just standing there Craig came back upstairs with a pint of rocky road and two spoons. I briefly wondered who could be with him that he’d be comfortable enough to be in boxers before the answer became obvious. He didn’t even look at us. What an ass.

 

Craig seemed to snapped Tricia and I out of our awkward not knowing what to do because she grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room, away from the eyes of anyone in the hall, and shut the door behind us. If we were in a less tense situation she probably would have told me how annoying her brother was or something. But in  _ this  _ situation we were both silent.

 

I didn’t know what to do and from the looks of it she didn’t either. We just sat on her bed, looking at each other. 

 

“Why’d you kiss that guy..?” I asked after the awkward silence got too much for me. Might as well rip the bandaid off right away.

 

I fidgeted with my hands that were in my lap, I was sitting criss cross (apple sauce) on the end of her bed. Tricia looked uncomfortable, I felt uncomfortable. Together we were a mess. Her expressions were so open, I wish I could understand what her eyes were telling me. Ew that sounded so cheesy.

 

She kept switching between my eyes, like she was unsure of which one to look at. She finally settled and kept her gaze on my face. “I don’t know…” she looked down.

 

Really. Seriously?  _ That  _ was her response! Clearly she  _ did  _ know I mean, she did it something had to of compelled her to. You see that’s something that pisses me off beyond all else; when people say they don’t know why they said or did something. Instead of saying  _ “I don’t know” _ just tell me what was going through you brain at the time! But I wasn’t about to say that so instead I said: “Well try to know” I did a good job of keeping my irritation out of my voice… or I’m pretty sure I did. Her expression didn’t waver. 

 

“I…. I don’t like him.” she darted her eyes up to catch my expression then immediately dropped them again. She said it like it was reassurance. I hated that it  _ felt  _ like reassurance, it made me feel a little better. “He just was um… saying some stuff.”

 

Vague. Were all Tuckers this vague? Maybe… definitely. “Well  _ what’d  _ he say?” Jesus I was really gonna have to nudge her the whole way. “He just… he was asking if I wanted to go out with him and when I said no he asked if I was gay. I guess I just um panicked.. And I thought the only way to prove to him was to...you know… so I did.” she finished lamely. I was expecting more. I had a feeling that wasn’t the  _ full  _ story but I wasn’t gonna push.

 

“Well…  _ are  _ you gay?” I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible but of  _ course  _ my voice decided to crack. The silence that followed that question could make someone go mad. I could have heard a mouse sneeze. 

 

Finally the situation seemed to catch up with her and she remembered she needed to say something instead of just looking at me. “No no I’m not. I am not gay I like...boys.” she said the last word weirdly, like she had never said that word before. I was expecting my stomach to drop or maybe to cry or something but…. I didn’t really feel anything when she said that. I was so nervous for this conversation, I had gone over it in my head a million times, every possible outcome I had gone over. Every possible thing she could say, every possible reaction I could have to what she says. I hadn’t ever thought I’d feel nothing.

 

“Are  _ you  _ gay?” now that…  _ that  _ made me feel something. I got nervous. No, scared. I was scared and filled with fear, my instant reaction was to deflect or lie. So I did (before I could even think to tell the truth). 

 

“No! No no I’m not gay!” but then I started to think… why would I lie? Why was I lying? Even if she wasn’t gay she deserved to know the truth about me. She was my closest friend.

 

She deserved to know the truth. I was so scared, it felt like my mouth was just broken, like I had forgotten how to speak. The term  _ tongue tied  _ had never felt so relevant. 

 

“Actually I um…. I am gay. O-or I guess the term is lesbian but uh yeah I’m- I…. I like girls.” it was weird, saying it out loud. I had never called myself a lesbian before, especially not out loud. And to another person. And to make things worse she was just  _ staring  _ at me with this blank expression. I had no idea  _ what  _  she was thinking. 

 

Maybe she would kick me out. Maybe she wouldn’t want me to sleep over anymore. Maybe she wouldn’t even want to be my friend anymore. Maybe- 

 

“Oh. That’s okay. I mean sometimes I think I’m a  _ little  _ bit gay. I think everyone's a little gay, but it’s totally fine that you are like completely gay. I don’t mind, I mean my brother is gay.  I’m glad you told me.” of course, her freaking  _ brothers  _ gay, why would she give a shit if I was. She was smiling at me too, not like a genuine smile, no like a  _ “I’m trying to make you feel at ease so you don’t run off or something”  _ kind of smile. She was trying to comfort me. That weird smile looked  _ so  _ freaking weird on her. She looked stupid. 

 

It was funny. 

 

It was cute.

 

Before I knew it I was smiling too. I was laughing. And then she was laughing. And we were okay. 

 

Except we totally weren’t.

 

After that I think we had both decided that we had had enough opening up so we went back to our usual schedule of sitting on her bed watching Netflix while I pretended I didn’t see her scrolling through Instagram and not paying attention to the movie. 

 

It was almost like normal but I still has a question. I wanted to know the full story, I knew she didn’t tell me everything. The thing about Tricia is that she doesn’t usually cave in to peer pressure. Her brother was always doing whatever he could to fit in when he was little, Tricia would tell me that every night her brother would come into her room ranting about how “these assholes dragged me to peru” or “these ass holes made me clone Whitney Houston” every night he’d tell her not to makes friends because they’d make you do stupid shit then eventually that evolved into don’t make friends with dumb asses and then  _ that  _ evolved into don’t do what everyone else is doing. 

 

Basically she wasn’t one to do something because someone taunted her or said something about her, so her kissing some random jerk just because he said she was gay doesn’t add up. I knew she was hiding something from me and that just didn’t sit right with me so I knew I had to ask someone to talk to her. And I knew the perfect person to ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these comments never fail to get me excited ! i hope everyone keeps reading, i'm about 7 chapters ahead of what i've posted and i'm so very excited for what i have in store! i'm also gonna start posting weekly so look forward to that !


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> something unexpected happens at the party,, well maybe not that unexpected

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for each comment i'll do the hokie pokie

Everyone was already there when I walked in. Kyle was kneeling on the ground in front of the TV with Stan trying to set up his new game. Cartman was on the couch with a bag of chips and popcorn. Token and Clyde were sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch, Clyde was showing Token something and Token looked like he was pretending to find whatever it was interesting. Jimmy's bag was against the wall so that told me he was somewhere in this house too.

 

And lastly there was Butters, sitting on the couch not touching Cartman. 

 

When I walked in everyone (besides Cartman who didn’t stop staring at his Goddamn phone) looked up at me. I got a chorus of “There he is!” and “Kenny’s here!” or something along those lines. After everyone had commented about my arrival they had all gone back to what they were doing, except Butters  who didn’t stop looking at me.

 

I walked over to the couch and dropped myself right beside him, taking the popcorn from beside Cartman and onto my lap (he didn’t notice). Butters was still just fucking looking at me and I was about to say something when Stan spoke up instead.

 

“Kenny has weed!” He announced the second Kyle and him were done setting up the game. Everyone turned to look at me and I wasn’t gonna lie, I was kind of (really) embarrassed. “No I don’t dude!” 

 

“Uh yeah you do, you put it in your pocket remember?” I felt my pocket and yup. There it was. I felt a pipe. I didn’t remember putting it in my pocket but apparently I did. “Well come on you selfish, poor ass hole! You gonna share or what?” of fucking  _ course  _ Cartman decided to start paying attention the second weed was mentioned. 

 

I handed it over and he lit up and everyone went back to their business. Kyle and Stan started playing the game on level one and Cartman handed the lighter and pipe to Clyde and Butters was knocking his knuckles together. 

 

For a while I just watched everyone. Clyde took two hits and offered it to Token but Token shook his head and continued watching Stan and Kyle play their game. Clyde handed the pipe and lighter to Stan who took it then passed it to Kyle who took it then passed it to Butters who passed but he passed it to me and of course I took it.

 

The thing about weed is that you don’t lose yourself completely, you sort of feel like you’re floating. One thing about weed that no one tells you is that it kind of makes you burp, and  _ when  _ you burp you taste the weed again. That might sound gross but I always thought it was kind of funny. I took 3 hits (I have a pretty high tolerance since I’ve been doing it pretty much every week since seventh grade) and passed it on to Cartman again, the cycle had started over. 

 

Butters was  _ still  _ just looking at me so I thought maybe if we had some simple conversation he’d chill a little. “How was your day?” that seemed simple enough of a question right? He looked so God damn anxious and I had no clue as to why. “Hi.”

 

Okay so he was acting really weird but honestly I was feeling pretty good and I felt light and happy so I wasn’t really worried about him. So I focused my attention on the game.

 

By the end of the night everyone was pretty out of it and a few of the guys were gonna spend the night because they’d get caught if they went home, I was offered to stay but I had to walk Tricia home so I couldn’t. When I announced that I was leaving Butters and Token said they were too (Token dragged Jimmy with him muttering “you’re staying with me tonight”). We all walked out together but Token had to go the other way to get to his house so that just left Butters and I.

 

“You okay dude? You’ve been acting weird all night?”

 

“Yeah I’m fine just…. What if you die and you  _ don’t  _ come back…” we followed the path of the sidewalk. The sun had pretty much set but there was still some stray pinks in the sky. I could see the moon. “Then I go to heaven, or hell. And I stay dead and my parents have another funeral and my friends will mourn for a few weeks then forget all about me. That’s how it usually goes.” 

 

Sometimes I think maybe my parents would have more money if they didn’t have to buy stuff for a funeral every few weeks. I think if I stayed dead it might make things easier. 

 

“I don’t think I could ever forget about you.”

 

It was nice, sweet that he was saying that. A part of me wanted to believe him. A bigger part of me knew it wasn’t true.

 

“You have before, and you will again.” I said it like a fact. Because that’s what it was. Once when I was 14 I stayed dead for 2 months, I don’t know why...I just did. I was actually having a good time in hell. Since I come down there so often they don’t bother trying to torture me, they give me a room next to Damien and I have to clean up his room like a maid and work as a bartender for the demons. It’s a big thing in hell, after a long day of torturing souls the demons want a drink. Then, just when I was starting to get into the routine I was waking up in my bedroom. But the thing is, I was watching life from above while I was dead. My friends were sad for a little but they moved on soon enough.

 

“I don’t want to forget about you.” We were crossing the street now, Craigs house was two houses down.

 

“Actually..I want to help you. I was thinking that maybe-” 

 

He didn’t get to finish whatever he was saying because out of nowhere something happened.

 

Two bright lights.

 

A loud noise, louder than anything the typical person has ever heard.

 

A pain all throughout my body.

 

I was on the ground.

 

The ground was cold.

 

Butters was now kneeling beside me, looking scared, looking worried. Saying something but I couldn’t hear it. I looked up at the moon. It was full that night, I could see more stars than usual. So pretty, I bet Karen was going to go on the roof to look at the stars tonight. 

 

I wonder if they’ll have a funeral this time.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in case you couldn't tell i hate this chapter

Hanging with Tricia was really fun (like always). We watched Netflix and when it got dark  we even went on her roof to watch the stars.

 

Kenny was supposed to pick me up but I guess he got hung up with the boys because he wasn’t answering my texts and calls. I was trying not to get worried.  _ He can take care of himself, he’s basically an adult.  _ I decided he was probably high on some drug one of his friends brought or drunk or something and he’d be home by tomorrow. I could walk home by myself, no one (no adult at least) would mess with me, I’d be fine. 

 

I turned towards Tricia to tell her this (we were both sitting on her steps outside her house, I was waiting on Kenny and she was keeping me company) but something had her attention. I followed her gaze and saw something on the road a little ways down. I had no clue what it was but it looked like a blob. No...it looked like a person. People? 

 

Tricia seemed to figure out that something was wrong before I could because she jumped up and started running at full speed towards them. I ran after her but Jesus that girl was fast, she was in track (we both were) and she was the fastest on the team.

 

As I got nearer and nearer to the people I called Kenny again and my stomach dropped when I heard his phone going off, the ringing was getting louder with every step I took.

 

I stopped dead in my tracks. 

 

Tricia and what I could now see as Butters looked up at me at the same time. They were both pale and Butters face was wet, he looked like he might be sick. I felt like I was going to puke. I took a step toward them and Tricia reached out, I think to hold me back but I shook her off.

 

It was Kenny. My _brother_  laying in the middle of the road, blood was. Everywhere. I remember noticing somewhere distant that I was standing in a puddle of my brothers blood. I was _standing in his blood._

 

I colapsted to my knees. My pants are gonna get all dirty. The washer is broken so I can’t wash it. Kenny bought me these jeans. He spent a lot of money trying to make sure I didn’t look like a hobo at school. He bought me these jeans, and I ruined them.

 

He was right. I am selfish. I realized that Tricia was trying to tell me something, I knew she was but I couldn’t bring myself to look away from my brother. I think she starting talking to Butters because soon he stood up and started to grab Kenny, Tricia took Kennys feet Butters had his shoulders. 

 

They placed him on the sidewalk,out of the road and I made myself stand up and join them. He looked terrible, his Parka had blood and dirt on it, he had a giant gash on his forehead, above his eye, part of the wound went over his eyebrow. He was pale, paler than any human should ever be and he just  _ kept  _ bleeding, I think his head was split open. I remember that I was crying, I didn’t even realize I was crying until it made it hard to breath.

 

There was no denying it. My brother was dead.

 

I don’t really remember what happened after that, I remember an ambulance and the sound of footsteps on gravel and then it just kind of skips and suddenly I’m in a house. As I looked around still not exactly feeling all there I noticed that I wasn’t in my house, I was in Butters house. I no idea why he took me here but I don’t really think I could ask him if I wanted to. I don’t think I could say anything if I wanted to.

 

Butters came in bringing with him two steaming mugs of something and he was wiping his eyes. I felt him sitting next to me, and when I looked over he was holding one of the cups out for me. 

 

Every movement I made felt unreal, like I was lagging or everything was in slow motion. I took a drink from my cup, I didn’t even understand that it was tea until my third time taking a sip. Everything felt so slow and I couldn’t physically feel anything. Is this shock? Am I in shock? I don’t know, I don’t care.

 

“Karen I’ve got something to tell you and it’s important that you remember.” 

 

I didn’t look at him, just held my cup and tried to focus on how warm it felt in my hands, I starred a head. He was telling me something and it was important so I should listen. 

 

I need to listen.

 

Why was my body not complying to what I wanted it to do? It was like my mind and my body were two seperate things. I didn’t have control over myself in the worst way possible. 

 

“-Every day! Karen? Karen!” I think Butters had put his hands on my shoulders and turned my head because I wasn’t looking at the floor anymore, now my eyes were down but on his feet so I was turned. I think. He grabbed my chin and made me look at him.

 

“Karen I know you literally just saw your brother m- like that but you have to snap out of it and listen, it’s really important!”

 

Though I still felt like I was in some weird fog I tried to listen. “This isn’t the first time he’s died. He told me that he dies all the time, like everyday!” He put his hand on my shoulder. “He’ll be back and we’ll all be okay.”

 

He was lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! next few chapters are done, i'm just polishing them up and they'll be posted on time (aka weekly updates)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The usual routine of death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is my favorite chapter i've written so far  
> don't know why tbh

“That’s the 580th time you’ve died from getting hit by a car. That’s impressive, even for you.”

 

I’ve died from getting stabbed or impaled 693 times. 

I’ve died from falling 502 times.

I’ve died from getting shot 396 times.

I’ve died from something medicine related 360 times.

I’ve died from being burned 256 times.

I’ve died from drowning 254 times.

I’ve died from being eaten 142 times.

 

I stopped paying attention after that. Every Time I die and go to heaven they display every death I’ve had and how I’ve had it. You know on my 1000th time dying they gave me a ‘treat’ and let me design a rat. You know like the rats that fucking  _ eat my corpse  _ every time I die. Yeah those bitches. Even though it was extremely off putting designing something that would one day eat my rotting flesh, it was kinda fun to play God. I got to make the rats personality and hopes and dreams and shit. 

 

I’m only now realizing that the personality I designed had a  _ striking  _ resemblance to Butters. That is so fucking weird. I wonder what he’d say if I told him I basically made him in rat form. I’ll have to remember to ask him the next time I see him. Speaking of next time I should be getting back soon.

 

“-ep yep I must say that  _ was  _ a doozy! But don’t you worry you’ll be back shortly but we need you to do something for us first.” 

 

That caught my attention because, they’ve never asked me to  _ do  _ anything. I mean they’ve asked me for updates on hell how many are there, if they’re planning anything, all that shit but asking me to do something like a task was um... different. “Uh what did you have in mind?” I asked the angle. Well his name is Mark, I don’t know his last name, never bothered to ask. He took care of me the very first time I died and has been continuing to take care of me since. I have a feeling he’ll take care of me until I  _ die  _ die. Whenever that is. If that even  _ is  _ a possibility. 

 

One time,when I was 5, I asked him why I die all the time. He said, and I quote,  _ “The path of life sure is hard, but where would you be if you got all your answers from an angle who knows all the answers? Well, you’d know everything without leaning it, and that would be cheating and cheating is bad.”  _ He was such an ass.

 

He’s a young man, blonde hair, brown eyes. Handsome in a newscaster way. He always dressed nice and was neatly groomed; his hair always combed and not a single wrinkle on his clothing. I used to think it was just because we were in Heaven but now I think that’s just the way he is. A real prick. And I say he’s a prick because he’s totally  _ not _ . Out of all the mormons that I’ve met up here he’s the nicest, most annoying one. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him upset. But this is heaven so I don’t usually see people upset. “Well, if you would,” he said in his annoyingly preppy voice. “We were hoping you’d deliver a message to the priest of your town. He’s been asking for a sign but he’s looking in all the wrong places! So if you would, go on up there and tell him to not drink coffee for seven days and seven nights and then, if you would, tell him that when he’s at his most peaceful state all will become clear.” 

 

So I had no clue what the fuck that meant but I didn’t want to think too much about it. “Okay dude, I’ll do it. Uh see ya next time.” He smiled and when I could feel myself fading he said, “Next time, if you would, please wipe your feet before coming here. There’s a foot matt outside for a reason.” I didn’t even have time to be mad before I was back in my room.

 

It’s always a shock when I see my room around me after a death. You’d think I’d be used to it but  _ nope.  _ Coming from the perfectly clean houses of heaven,to my shitty house. It’s like seeing how gross my room is for the first time.

 

I sighed and laid back down. My bed could always comfort me, even though it’s disgusting and old and probably crawling with bugs, it makes me feel at ease, makes me feel at home. It had a perfectly sized me indent from years of sleeping in the same spot.

 

I could tell from the sky outside my window that I still had time before I would be late, hopefully I wouldn’t miss the bus. But I just, couldn’t move from my bed. Well I mean I  _ could  _ but I really didn’t want to. My head was throbbing because I had the worst headache I think I’ve ever had, well that’s not true, it didn’t even come close to the worst headache I’ve ever had. I dragged myself out of my bed and put on my jacket like a zombie. I didn’t zip it up but I did throw up my hood. I didn’t even look around, for all I know one of my fucking walls could have been missing and I wouldn’t have noticed I was so tired. Bad thing about dying: you get no rest.

 

Karen was brushing her teeth in the bathroom so I ruffled her hair as I walked by. She let out an irritated  _ “Kenny!”  _ and I had to muffle my laugh in my jacket. I knew it was an asshole move but I also know she cares too much about how she looks, which has always been stupid to me. Who gives a shit, why spend so much time trying to make yourself pretty, chances are you’re pretty anyway. But whatever she could do her and I’ll do me. 

 

We didn’t have very much food left aside from a almost empty box of froot loops and I had a feeling that was going to be our dinner so I left it alone. Mom would probably go grocery shopping today. I’d text Kyle and ask him if he’d bring me a snack. No shame in needing to eat right (except there  _ was  _ shame in it. A lot of shame). I called out a quick “Bye!” and walked out the door to the bus stop. I knew that I hadn’t brushed my teeth or said a formal goodbye to Karen but I didn’t wanna miss the bus. 

 

Turns out though that Karen was in the mood for formal goodbyes after all because before I could even step off the driveway she ran out of the house shouting “Wait! Wait!” and gave me a fat hug. It was weird, unexpected. The only times anyone acts like this towards me is when they’ve seen me die the day before. 

 

Like one time there was a disease of mutated liver pox that would infect your liver and morph it into a almost sentient being and it would “eat” your other organs. By that I mean it would spread to the other organs but in a way that it was like the liver was consciously doing it.  I don’t know it was weird as fuck and they figured out that it was caused by a crazy man a in Alabama who was trying to kill all gay people so he put the vires in those zebra cakes. Oh also he worked at one of the zebra cakes factory. 

 

Well  when I was 14 I was hanging out with Kyle and I didn’t know about the disease because my parents don’t ever watch the news or tell us about what’s going on in the world so I ate it and Kyle freaked out and of  _ course  _ I had the  _ one  _ bad freaking zebra cake in the box. Well mine was sped up or something because I died that same night. It hurt and I felt gross and Kyle tried so hard to help me but everyone...even Stan said that he should just give up and there was nothing we could do for me, but Kyle stayed with me and brought me warm soup and cool wash cloths. It was sweet.

 

So the next day I came to the bus stop like always but something was weird, Kyle looked  _ terrible _ like he hadn’t slept or had cried for hours or something and when I walked there he immediately perked up and hugged me and when we all asked him  _ why  _ he randomly hugged me he just said : “I don’t know… I  thought you weren’t coming. Like something bad had happened… I don’t know..” it was weird.

 

But anyway like I was saying the only time anyone acts that way towards me is when they’ve seen me die the night before so that must mean… 

 

Karen saw me die. 

 

That made me feel very guilty. It’s not like she hasn’t seen it before but the feeling of guilt never changes. I made sure to hug back extra hard.

 

On the bus Butters caught my eye, like he was looking for me. He looked awful, gloomy. Like if the phrase “down in the dumps” was a person it would be Butters. I slide into our seat and he hugged me. 

 

“Cmon Leo, it’s Friday I thought Fridays are supposed to be happy days.” My attempt to lighten his weirdly dark mood didn’t work because he went on as if I didn’t say anything at all.

 

“I knew something felt wrong.” He said against my chest. I didn’t understand what he meant. 

 

“All of last night since I left Stans house I felt like something was wrong or something bad was gonna happen, I couldn’t shake this feeling that something had gone wrong. Then I had a vivid dream about you that I can’t even remember now. Just blood. That’s all I can think of when I try to remember it. A lot of blood and a girl crying.”

 

He sounded so scared. I knew he had been with me when I died but I didn’t think he’d be that freaked out. 

 

“And now, seein’ your face I know it’s not a dream.” He clung tighter. It took a moment for my brain to catch on to what he was saying. “My….face..?”

 

He pulled back enough to, I think, run a hand across my face but he stopped, hand still in midair, and just stared at me. He looked like he saw something. And I think he did because he flung himself away from me so fast and with so much force that he fell out of the fucking seat. 

 

I leaned over to ask him if he was alright but he screamed and back even further away. The bus driver shouted at him to get back into his seat and he shakily stood up, gripping the seat for balance since the bus was still moving. He looked around at all the kids staring at him, I think a few had their phones out. I reached out my hand to him and after a second he took it. I pulled him into our seat by our connected hands, I pulled him right back into my chest for a brief hug. 

 

“Butters what the hell happened just now?” I knew I probably should have given him time to calm down or something but I needed to know what was making him act so psycho.

 

“I… I’m sorry Ken I just…” he swallowed and closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. Took another. Continued. “When I looked at you I saw another scar...and then it was like I was reliving your death. Um, not relieving but. I could see you dying. It wasn’t just a scar, it was an open wound, you were bleeding and the bus wasn’t there and...Kenny I  _ remember... _ ” he had gotten so worked up he had started pulling on his shirt. He actually kind of looked like Tweek for a second. 

 

“Ken, it was so much worse than the first time..” I don’t think I could get him to say anything else if I tried so instead of asking him follow up questions I just put one hand on his back and held his other hand. 

 

What did he mean  _ ‘so much worse than the first time’  _ what first time? I was pretty lost. Had he gone into that weird… mind space/ flashback thing before? Was he talking about my scar? I replayed his words in my mind. Again. And again. And again. 

By the time the bus had pulled into the school parking lot I think I had a pretty good idea of what he was saying. 

 

So he saw another, a different (?) scar, and when he saw the scar he got like a vision (??) of my death and now he remembers last night… I think (translation:????). 

 

That got me thinking… would he be able to remember my death no matter what or just if he was with me when I died. Maybe we could run some tests. Hopefully he’d be able to go through with tests and not have a breakdown or go insane. 

 

We got off the bus (he never let go of my hand and I wasn’t about to be the asshole who lets go first) and we started to walk to class (we were still holding hands) we were in front of his class (we were _still_ holding hands). “Good luck on your math quiz,” he didn’t let go of my hand, even when I lightly pulled. He looked lost in thought, concentrated. “Uh Butters..?” He snapped his head up and looked at me. His eyes looked dull. He pulled his hand away as if my hand had suddenly turned burning hot. 

 

“Uh sorry Ken,” and when I turned to walk to my class he grabbed my apparently not burning anymore, hand. “Kenny! Uh… be safe.” and he hugged me. Again. And I was definitely going to be late to class but I didn’t really care. “I will Butter cup, I will”

 

I felt dirty promising him something I knew I couldn’t be sure would actually happen but, how could I  _ not  _ reassure him?

 

When I was walking to class I got to thinking, I plan on keeping Butters in my life for a long time and if he gets this distraught everytime I die (since apparently he can remember them now ?? the fuck) then I need to find a way to  _ not  _ die as much. And the only way to not die is to figure out  _ why  _ I die. So that’s what I had to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gettin the plot like,, set up lol. this is the first story i've ever written where i didn't have it all planned out before i started writing sooo it's a little different. ok i have the general plot planned out. anyway yeah please comment bc each comment gives me more of a will to live annnnnd i hope your day is amazying!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tricia gets a new friend

The morning was really weird. I woke up feeling sad and I had no clue why. That happens a lot. I’ll wake up really sad or crying for a reason I can’t remember. Today was one of those days but I quickly brought myself out of the funk and started getting ready. Today I was feeling jeans and dark green sweater, I put my hair in a bun before I felt stupid and took it down. I put it into pigtails but I felt stupid so I took it down. I finally decided to leave it down and went to eat breakfast. 

 

Kenny felt like being a dick apparently so he messed up my Goddamn hair. I ignored the sudden wave of sadness when he passed by and tried to get back to fixing my hair but when I heard him leaving for whatever reason I panicked. I felt like if I just let him walk away I’d never see him again. Even though it was embarrassing I ran after him and gave him a hug. 

 

I don’t remember how long it lasted but I knew that I didn’t want to look at his face when I pulled away so I didn’t. 

 

School was fine. Tricia and I kept making fun of the teacher during class. She had moved us across the room from each other but if she seriously thought that would keep us from being a disruption then she was wrong. 

 

I had a plan though. I still wasn’t over whatever had happened with Tricia and I needed to talk to my secret weapon but to do that I needed to be away from Tricia. So, when lunch rolled around I had to make up that I was going to retake a test. She believed me and said goodbye by flipping me off. 

 

It brought a smile to my face because of  _ course  _ that’s what she’d do.

 

When I walked into the library I saw who I was looking for. There, leaning against his hand looking like he wished he was dead. Was none other than Craig Tucker. 

 

You’re probably wondering how I knew Craig would be here. Well let me tell you; he always skips fourth period, and he has fourth period while we have first lunch so it works out perfectly. He used to skip it so that he could eat lunch with Tweek but once Craig got detention for skipping Tweek wouldn’t let him skip to be with him. That didn’t stop Craig from skipping, only now he just didn’t hang out with Tweek. I know all this because I asked what he was doing in here one day, and he told me (only after making me promise not to tell Tweek).

 

He saw me and his expression didn’t change, not even a little. He just followed me with his eyes until I was standing in front of him. “What do you want?” his voice didn’t give way to any emotion, the only thing I could gather from his appearance was that he was bored. But when is Craig Tucker  _ not  _ bored?

 

“I need your help.” When he didn’t respond I went on. “Has Tricia… talked to you at all? Like about um...feelings and...stuff..?” Okay that was not at all how I wanted to word it. 

Deep breath. “Basically I saw her kiss this dick of a guy who she doesn’t like and she told me it was because she was trying to prove that she wasn’t gay but I don’t think that’s really it because she’d never do anything just because she got peer pressured into it. It just doesn’t make sense!” I was speaking so fast I wouldn’t be surprised if he couldn’t understand me, but if he was gonna ask me to repeat myself I would probably chicken out and just go to lunch like normal.

 

I was unsure about he was gonna responde, I was nervous he wouldn’t help me. Or worse: tell Tricia I asked him for help. He blinked, slowly, almost like he was thinking. He probably was. 

 

“Let me get this straight,” he said after I was positive he was never gonna responde and I was gonna be cursed to sit in this library staring at Craig Tuckers stupid face while he just stared back for eternity. “Tricia kissed some guy because she was trying to show him she wasn’t gay?” I nodded. 

 

“That makes no sense.” His nasally voice sounded so  _ weird  _ when it actually had emotion behind it. He sounded genuinely confused. “That’s what I’m saying! It just doesn’t add up!” 

 

“No that makes  _ no  _ sense. Tricia  _ is  _ gay. She’s told me so herself. She went on and on about this girl that she likes and how she’d do anything to be with her and how stupid this girl is for not picking up on any of her hints. It took me 30 minutes to get her to shut up and get out of my room.”

 

My brain short circuited. There was no way I was hearing what I was hearing. It felt like the floor had fallen under me. Maybe I had a tumor in my head or I was in a coma or something. Yeah that was the logical explanation. I was in fucking a coma and this was all a skrewed up dream. 

 

“Wh-at…”

 

“She’s a total fag dude. I thought you knew?”

 

“NO I DIDN”T FUCKING KNOW!” 

 

“Oh…. whoops.”

 

Fucking  _ whoops  _ that’s all he had to say?! 

 

“Maybe she lied because she was embarrassed?” I thought he was done talking but apparently not. My brain was barely working at the moment and it was hard to process anything more. 

 

“No she..she wouldn’t do that. She’s never lied about anything and she’s never been embarrassed about the things or...people.. She likes. She would never pretend to be someone else to look  _ cool _ . That’s not her..”

 

Or maybe it is.. I guess I don’t know her as well as I thought I did.

 

That thought hurt,I felt it in my bones.

 

“I’m… I need a minute..”

 

I ran out of that library faster than I think I’ve ran out of anywhere. What was even  _ happening  _ in my life anymore? I just ran and ran. My best friend. The person I’m in  _ love  _ with. Is gay. And she’s in love with another girl. How could she keep something like that from me? I thought we were supposed to tell each other everything. How could she have just sat there while I told her I was gay? How could she have just  _ sat  _ there and  _ not said that she was the same?  _ I opened up to her… why couldn’t she do the same for me…? How could she ju-

 

My thoughts got abruptly interrupted by my body smacking into another student. I was about to apologize and continue running away from my problems but the person I ran into put their arms around me and started...hugging me? 

 

I pushed them away and really looked at them to see who the hell thought it was a good idea to hug me. I was prepared to go off on them but when I looked up I saw that it was Butters. Butters was just standing there, startled but with a reassuring smile and his arms slightly open. I felt guilty for pushing him away. “Oh uh hi Butters.”

 

“Hi Karen, what’s wrong?”

 

He was cutting to the chase huh. When I didn’t say anything after a while he dragged me to one of the outside seating tables. I spent a few moments just taking in the sky, having a moment to calm down and try to think somewhat rationally again. 

 

“It’s a long story Butters…”

 

I didn’t know if I wanted to go into it. Well I  _ did  _ want to go into it, I really wanted to vent but if I started talking about it then I might start crying and crying at school is  _ the worst. _

 

“I’ll tell you what, if you tell me this I’ll tell you a secret, something I’ve never told anyone before.” That caught my attention because Butters is kind of an open book; he tells people things that are personal and irrelevant, just because they come to his mind. So the thought of me knowing something no one else knows is… okay it totally interests me. I was buy into his scam but I don’t care.

 

“Okay Butters I’ll tell you, buckle up.” he phantom mimed putting on a seat belt after I said that, what a dork.

 

So then I went on a  _ long  _ (5 minute rant) about the entire situation from how close we are to how deep and real my feelings are to her kissing the boy to  _ why  _ she kissed the boy to me coming out to her  _ lack  _ of coming out. By the end of it I was out of breath and a little teary eyed. 

 

“Oh Karen… I think there's ought to be a reason for why she didn’t tell you. I would suggest try talking to her about it, be honest and open. If she rejects you than at least you know, and that’s better than  _ not  _ knowing ain't it?”  That made sense and it was the obvious thing to do but it’s  _ so much  _ easier said than done.

 

Now that we had gotten my problems out of the way (though I still felt conflicted on what to do) it was time he told me what he said he would. “What about you, tell me your secret.”

 

His face got a little more color to it and he looked away, at the floor, before shooting his gaze to the clock on the wall. “I really ought to be going Karen, I was supposed to be just getting a book from the library and coming back…”

 

Okay no way in hell I was just gonna let him weasel his way out of some grand confession that I was promised. “I think your teacher can wait a bit longer. Or I know, I can just walk with you the rest of the way to the library and you can tell me on the way.” I gave him my  _ little-shit  _ grin, as Kenny calls it. 

 

Butters admitted defeat and stood up to head over to the library but didn’t start walking till I was up too. He was taking his sweet time to tell me, like he was thinking really hard on how to phrase it juuuust right. 

 

“I’m just in the same boat as you. In- having feelings for a friend. I’m not quite sure how to go about it because I know I’m not his type; he likes pretty people, people with um... _ large  _ features. I know I’m not what he looks for in a boyfriend and I’m sure if I confessed to him then he’d turn me down without a doubt…”

 

I couldn’t help my face cracking into a grin, I was trying to hold back an inappropriate giggle because, he just sounded  _ so  _ hypocritical. And he had no idea!  

 

“Well Butters, I would suggest try talking to him about it, be honest and open. If he rejects you than at least you know, and that’s better than  _ not  _ knowing  _ ain't _ it?” I was directly quoting him and I wondered if he caught on, I also tried to copy his voice for the last part. He shot me a sharp stink eye and I didn’t try to hold back my laugh that time.

 

“Butter’s together we are a disaster and a half..”

 

“Tell me about it.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all your comments mean so much to me and encourage me to write more so thank you all so much and i hope you keep reading and giving me feedback


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny and Butters go to complete a task and that somehow ends in a sleepover!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive recently gone back and read my old works and its nice to see how much better ive gotten, i can still get better though and thats what im trying to do!!! im working really hard to get better at writing and i know im not the best but that's alright, im getting a little burnt out since this is the longest/hardest ive ever worked on a fic (or any writing in general (my Warrior cat oc books that id write in middle school don't count)) so i might take a little break but that won't be for a few updates

Of course I’ve tried to not die as much, but it’s better in theory. No matter what I do, no matter how safe I try to be, I always end up dying, but if Butters  _ is  _ remembering the deaths than I can’t keep putting him through it. And if he’s remembering all of the sudden than what if other people start remembering?

 

So I’ve got to try to die less, and if that doesn’t work than I need to learn  _ why  _ I die. 

 

Now I’ve tried to learn why I am the way I am. I’ve tried  _ tons  _ of times. When I was 3 I asked my mom why I die when other people don’t and she looked at me like I was crazy. When I was 10 I even tried to fight a dark lord to get my powers taken away, that didn’t work. When I was 13 I traveled to Japan to seek an old monk who supposedly could answer any question or riddle you had, I had to wait 5 months before I could see him and when I finally did he got shot in the head before he could tell me why I can’t die. 

 

I have no idea how to make this time any different. How can I figure out the answer to something when I’ve tried  _ everything?  _

 

But then again, I’ve never had help before…

 

The bell rang and with a determination I didn’t have before, I flung my bag over my shoulder and caught Butters before he could leave. “Hi Ken, you okay? You look a little sick.” 

 

I brushed his question off. “Butters I need your help with something very important.” He looked slightly taken aback and he looked around like someone might be listening. “What do ya need help with?” 

 

My attention was taken away from him when a girl with a cross necklace walked by. Annnnd then I remembered the ‘task’ that I was assigned. Dude _ fuck  _ Mark, the stupid asshole. “Uh… you wanna help me deliver a message that an angel gave to me?” 

 

His eyebrows shot up and I took that as a yes. Grabbing his hand I made my way out of the school and in the direction of the church.

 

“Where’r we goin’?” Butters said after we had passed all of the houses, he was a  little out of breath, it made me realize just how fast I was walking. I guess I got a little carried away. So I slowed my pace and walked beside him instead of in front of him. “The church. I’m supposed to tell him to not drink coffee for a week and when he’s at his most peaceful all will become clear. I don’t fucking know what that means but whatever guess I’m heavens message boy now.” 

 

“Wow Ken… that’s pretty cool; you’re like on a quest! For heaven!” I won’t lie, his excitement was cute, it was really damn cute. He kept going like that, saying how cool it was that I was like basically a worker for God. I was content to just listening to him babbel on because seeing him get carried away like that was adorable, he gets so worked up over the smallest things. 

 

“-it’s like you’re an angel! But that’s not really a surprise, I mean with a face like that how could you  _ not  _ be?!” 

 

Okay so  _ that  _ I wasn’t prepared for. What the fuck did that even mean? I’m pretty sure he just called me hot. No he  _ did _ , in fact he basically said I was so hot I was an angle.  _ What the fuck was I supposed to say to that??? _

 

He looked embarrassed the second he said it and it would have (probably) been fine if he just kept rambling on like he was before but he just  _ stopped talking so now we were just walking in uncomfortable silence.  _ It’s not like Butters ever steers away from compliments though, he’s always been one to hand out compliments like candy but he’s never freaked out like this before. 

 

“Well if I’m so  _ sexy  _ that I’m an angel, then you must be ice cream cause you’re so sweet.” I decided the most natural thing to do would be to flirt back, that’s what I’d normally do...right? I said the whole thing with a playful nudge of our shoulders and finished it off.

 

I don’t think Butters was going to say anything because he looked too flustered to do anything, but luck was on his side because we were now in front of the church so he didn’t have to say anything anyway. 

 

We walked in together. The church was worn; the paint was chipping on the inside and the outside wood had cracks in it and the color had faded. I wondered how old it was, it had been here for as long as I could remember and I think it was around when my parents were little but what about before that? It was empty too but at least it was well lit inside. 

 

Father Maxi came out from the back room, his hands full of books. “Oh hello children, what can I help you with today?” he set the books down and turned to us with a warm smile. 

 

_ Well Father actually I could really use your help, you see I’m basically immortal and I don’t know why and it’s now hurting the ones I care about and I don’t know why I’m this way or how to not be this way. Could you help me with that? _

 

Of course I didn’t really say that, though a bitter part of my brain wished I would have.

 

“Uh I’m supposed to tell you to not drink coffee for seven days and seven nights and when you’re at your most peaceful all will become clear.” Should I have not been so blunt? Yes. Definitely. But I didn’t feel like wasting my Friday night in a church sooo…

 

Father Maxi looked stunned. His mouth hung open and his eyebrows were raised, he looked a little scared. Whatever, I did what I had to do and now I just really wanted to leave. I turned to leave, assuming Butters would follow me out. We made it outside and started walking to the sidewalk when I heard the heavy church doors open again and frantic footsteps coming over to us. I turned just in time to see Father Maxi run the last few feet to catch up with us. 

 

“Child… how did you know that?” 

  
  


I wasn’t quite sure what he was talking about, know what? I didn’t tell him anything to know, I just told him what to do. “Mark the mormon angel told me.”

 

I was gonna leave cause I was really sick of being there but he looked like he was gonna ask another question, so to shut him up I said:  “Don’t worry about how I know it. Just don’t drink coffee and have a good life.” With that I turned and kept walking.

 

Butters was walking beside me, knocking his knuckles together. He only did that when he was nervous...what was he nervous about..?

 

I stopped walking. “Dude what’s wrong?” He looked up at me, looked back at his hands that were still fidgeting, and looked back at me, this time he didn’t look away. “I’m just stressin over silly stuff… don’t worry about it Ken..” Okay  _ that  _ didn’t make me feel better  _ at all _ . 

 

“What can I do to help?”

 

“I-I don’t know..”

 

The sky was getting dark, fuck what if he got grounded? It’d be all my fault, I’d feel terrible! “How about I sleep over at your house tonight? Maybe then your parents wouldn’t bother you and make you more stressed.” I tried a smile and for a second he showed an emotion I don’t really know how to name, then he looked happy. 

 

“I’d like that a lot Ken…” 

 

A selfish part of me was excited to stay the night, to go to bed in the same bed, to wake up with him, to see him in the morning. He’s a cuddler too, everyone who’s ever stayed in the same bed with him can vouch for me on that. 

 

A even more selfish part of me was imagining a different way to help him relieve some stress…. A way that was way too explicit for a friend to think about with another friend...

 

But I was spending the night with Butters so tonight was gonna be good no matter what shit was going on. 

 

Throughout the walk he kept taking out his phone, writing a message, and putting it back. I tried my hardest not to get jealous because really I didn’t have any reason to be. Butters could text whoever he wants, he’s his own person.

 

That didn’t stop my mind from imagining him having a secret lover who he can’t stand to not talk to for more than a minute. It didn’t stop the pool of jealousy from forming in my stomach.

 

His house was the same as always. Clean. Spotless. Like so many of the houses in this town (like almost every house except mine). His mom was in the kitchen, I assume making dinner. Mr. Stouch was on the couch, scrolling on his phone. When Butters and I walked in he turned around to face us.

 

“Butters! It’s nearly five o'clock, what are you doing here so late!” he spoke like I wasn’t even there, I don’t think he even looked at me.

 

His mom decided that now would be a good time for her to give her input so she added,  “And you’re supposed to tell us  _ before  _ you think of doing something, not immediately after you have the idea to do it!”  

 

That seemed a little...unfair? Or maybe crazy is the word I’m looking for…

 

“Yes ma’am, yes sir, I’m sorry….”

 

“You’re lucky we don’t ground you right now Mr!”

 

“I’m sorry sir, please don’t ground me.”

 

“Go to your room,” he finally  _ actually  _ looked at me, “we’ll talk about this when you don’t have company.”

 

I seriously doubted he’d even remember to talk to Butters later, then again he was known for grounding Butters so I don’t think he’d want to miss the opportunity to punish him. As we walked up the stairs I could have sworn I heard Mrs. Stouches hushed voice saying “maybe it’d be good for that Mccormack boy to see some discipline, God knows his parents won’t do it. I thi-”

 

I stopped listening after that.

 

Butters room felt like a safe point. Nothing could touch us as long as we were in here. Butters seemed to feel the same way, if the way he collapsed on his bed with a sigh was anything to go off of. It was like the second his door closed a literal weight had been taken away.

 

“I think everytime I see your parents I hate them more.” 

 

“Me too.” he rolled and sat up, back against the wall by his window, the same window I’ve had to sneak into whenever he’d call me in the dead of the night crying because he had another night terror, I’d stay with him, by his side till he was sound asleep once more. No one calls me unless it’s an emergency, I have the cheapest, crappiest phone you can imagine, ever useless call is money down the drain. But no call from Butters is useless. 

 

I felt like there was some unspoken, unknown tension between us, I didn’t know why though and I didn’t know if he felt it too. We were just sitting in his room, well he was sitting, I was still standing, we weren’t looking at each other. I should probably sit down too… so I did. I sat myself on his bed, on the other side of his window. 

 

“What’s it like… to die? What’s it feel like? What do you see…? I figure you’ve probably died an awful lot and…. I don’t know, no one else will ever be able to share their experience but you.” He must have been thinking about that question for a long time, building up the courage. It was sweet in a way… (it was cute).

 

He was right, no one else would be able to answer those questions except me, of course I’ve thought about that before but until now I knew that even if I told someone in great detail what happens, they wouldn’t believe me. 

 

“A few things could happen. Sometimes I float up until I’m passed space, sometimes I have to walk towards a light, once in a while I don’t go anywhere, I end up as like a ghost and just walk around fucking with people.”

 

I was having deja vu, like I’ve done this before.

 

“A lot of times I get a sort of choice; I can go through the gates of heaven or I can fall down to hell. When you go through the gates of Heaven it’s like walking into the most comforting hug, like the second you’re in there nothing can ever hurt you again. The pain, the worries of your old life don’t matter anymore. You never want to leave, and when I wake up after being in heaven, it’s like experiencing the worst heartbreak you could imagine but times 20, it’s like losing a loved one. Or having everything be perfect, knowing you’re going to be happy for eternity, only to have it stripped away.”

 

I’m not going to lie, I got a little emotional just talking about it. When I go to heaven it makes the pain of dying worth it. Even if he’s a pain in the ass, I even miss Mark. “When you’re in Heaven it’s like you’re high. You don’t feel any negative emotions as hard.” 

Maybe that’s why I like getting high so much. That’s not the reason though, I have several reasons for getting high and imitating Heaven definitely isn’t one of them.

 

I looked at Butters without moving my head, I wanted to see what his expression was. He looked in awe. It almost made me chuckle because he just looked like I was the most mesmerizing thing in the world, or like every word I was saying was the most important thing he’s ever heard. My face got warm looking at his expression.

 

“But hell… that’s different…” 

 

His expression cracked after that.

 

“When Heaven rejects you, you fall. It feels like you’re falling for life times and you can’t think, sometimes you can’t even scream. No matter how many times I go to hell I never get used to it. The further you fall the worse it becomes, suddenly it gets hotter and hotter till you feel like you’re being cooked alive. Demons come out and taunt you, laughing as you get closer to the everlasting flames.”

 

Hell is something I try not to think of very often, it  still chills me to my bones.

 

“When you finally get to hell itself it’s like living in the worst nightmare you could ever imagine. Your fear hardly gives room for thinking, the only thing  _ I  _ can think is that I’d give anything to take this back, to do it right. No matter how many chances I get, I still end up in hell though so clearly I haven’t exactly learned my lesson.”

 

I didn’t want to scare him so I didn’t want to go on about hell. But I had to add one thing.

 

“But, if you have connections then hell isn’t so bad. That kid Damien is there, and I helped Satan one time so sometimes...most of the time, instead of being tortured I get an apartment and have to work as a bartender till my time being dead is over. Demons don’t tip by the way.”

 

It was still relatively early so Butters pulled out his laptop and let me pick a movie. He was quiet throughout them, occasionally I’d notice him staring at me from the corner of my eye. I pretended I didn’t notice (and he pretended he didn’t notice  _ my  _ staring). I imagined moving closer, I imagined brushing our arms and legs together, getting closer. I imagined kissing him until he was pinned to the bed, under me. I imagined his lips on mine.

 

I imagined I didn’t have such a dirty mind and could actually pay attention to the movie.

 

3 movies and 6 bathroom breaks later Butters moved so that he was laying on his back, his pillow under his head. He had changed into his nightwear the last time he got up to use the bathroom. He was staring at the ceiling with a weird determined look in his eye. It was a look that made me feel funky in my navel.

 

“We’re gonna stop this Kenny. We’re gonna put an end to you dyin’. I promise.”

 

When just watching him made my stomach do flips and my mouth go dry I decided it was a good idea to go to bed. 

 

I pretended I didn’t feel him start to move closer to me after we had been silent in the dark for long enough that I should have been asleep. I pretended I didn’t scoot towards him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna put some of my current favorite South Park fanfictions that i think y'all should give a look if your looking for something to read (all these people update pretty frequently too so you won't have to wait like 500 years for the next chapter). 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/17314175/chapters/40727663  
> Blindfold by Yais  
> (not gonna lie this fic is smutty but the actual story is kinda cute and i like the way they write)
> 
> Sincerely, Your super-bestfriend Kyle by cocoacremeandgays  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/13097862/chapters/29965053  
> (^thats the first part of a 3 part series and ive been reading since basically the beginning and the way they write is so beautiful. i spent a whole night reading this and cried at the end sO (also they update like several times a week which is crazy and amazing)) 
> 
> The Roommate by DoAsYouWill  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/11102877/chapters/24774459  
> (just a basic roommate fic but im a sucker for those. i did an all nighter reading this one all the way through only to discover that its still an ongoing fic. i have no idea how they're gonna end it up im excited to find out (this ones a long read)) 
> 
> unresolved by Aquaphobe  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/13444674/chapters/30815325  
> (ok this one hasn't updated for a while but the writing is beautiful and the story is complex and if you got on their page you'll see that it's actually only one part of a very large story so that's cool)
> 
> as always if you have any fanfictions you want to suggest id love to give them a read !


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a surprise is revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive written a lot and im so excited (and super scared) for yall to read them. the stroies almost sort of over !

I had been thinking and maybe… just maybe I should start spending time away from Tricia. She has so many friends, she didn’t ask for them, she didn’t even go out of her way to get that many but I think that’s what drove them to her.

 

I used to try so hard to get friends, I’d bake cookies, remember birthdays, be nice, caring. It didn’t work. It never does. 

 

As a result of having one friend, I only hung out with one person. So I’m a little lost because I don’t know what to  _ do.  _

 

Who am I supposed to hang out with? Talk to? Gossip to?

 

I don’t want to stop hanging with Tricia but I feel like if I just keep seeing her all day everyday, knowing she’s gay and in love with someone else… I think my heart will burst. 

 

That's not fair to her, I know. I want to make her happy but should I do that at the expense of  _ my  _ happiness? Sometimes I need to put my own needs before others...but maybe that’s what I always do…

 

I didn’t want to be a selfish person but it was hard as hell to stop.

 

I needed to stop my thoughts before they could start spiraling. So I pulled out my phone  with the intent to text one of my other friends and ask if they would let me spend the night, even though it was kinda late.  I saw that I had 8 new text messages from Butters (we had exchanged phone numbers, promising that we could text whenever we needed to talk about our love life issues).

 

_ 4:13 _

_ Butters Stotch: The boy is gonna spend the night. Like sleep in the same bed kind of spend the night. _

_ 4:15 _

_ Butters Stotch: Is it normal for my stomach to feel like this? _

_ 4:15 _

_ Butter Stotch: Oh boy… my hands are getting all sweaty. _

_ 4:20 _

_ Butters Stotch: Karen what if I say something dumb? _

_ 4:21 _

_ Butters Stotch: What if my parents kick him out and ground me and he gets the wrong impression of me?! _

_ 9:50 _

_ Butters Stotch: So I may or may not have the boy I’m in love with sleeping beside me...  _

_ 9:56 _

_ Butters Stotch: Okay so now I may or may not be cuddling with the boy I’m in love with… _

_ 10:17 _

_ Butters Stotch: I think I could live like this forever… _

 

His texts made me smile, at least one of us was having a good night. I sent him a thumbs up and winky emoji and turned my phone off. It felt kind of bittersweet, I was happy for him but a bitter and jealous part of me wished I was doing that with Tricia. I should probably just sleep, it was too late for any of my friends to let me come over anyway.

 

All that night I had crazy dreams; I dreamt of a man with brown eyes and an unnaturally happy voice telling me that I needed to pay more attention, that everything I thought was true wasn’t. I couldn't make out where we were, everything that wasn’t him was just white. It was like I was hypnotized, I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t look away.  He gave me warnings of evil trying to corrupt my family, he told me my life would soon change and that I was the only one who could put things back on track. He told me in the end it would all be up to me. He told me to look through the fog.

 

I woke up in a cold sweat, my body sticky and my hair stuck to my neck. I was out of breath like I had just gone running. I felt gross. I needed a shower.

 

While I waited for the water to heat up (or get as hot as our old water tank  _ can  _ get) I looked at myself in the mirror. Now, I know most girls (and even most boys) hate their bodies but I doubt most people want to vomit by just  _ looking  _ at their bodies. My bones basically stuck out, it wasn’t like I was a skeleton or anything but you could see my ribs and hip bones and my shoulders were boney. I wasn’t even the type of skinny where I had a flat stomach, no my belly was swollen and stuck out. I had filled in a little since when I was a girl, I’m not quiet as skinny. I was more healthy I guess, I was getting better. 

 

I couldn’t help but wonder if my body would ever be the type that someone would love.

 

When I got out of the shower I walked into the kitchen for breakfast, Momma and I went grocery shopping last night and since Kenny hasn’t been able to find work and dad doesn’t get off his ass, we had to live off mommas waitressing money. But she still let me get a few peaches. And I love peaches. 

 

Anyway Momma asked me to go wake up Kenny for breakfast so with my mood slightly soured from being ordered around I went on my way to his room. I knocked twice on his old stain wood door before charging in, not bothering to wait for a  _ ‘Come In’.  _

 

His room was empty. I tried to push down my paranoia that something terrible had happened to him. Usually when he goes somewhere he’ll at least send me a text or a note or  _ something _ , but this, just completely being gone is… different. 

 

But he’s almost an adult now, he doesn’t need his little sister worrying about him as if I was his Mom. He was fine. The thing about my brother is: he always ends up fine, in the end. 

 

So, I headed back to the kitchen and told Momma that Kenny was out.  _ “Less food I have to cook then.”  _ I could tell she was worried, at least a little, she always worries about Kenny which I never got, Kenny doesn’t really get into any serious trouble. He can handle himself fine. I guess that’s just a mom thing. 

 

For breakfast we got Jam Toast, it was Kevins favorite. When our jams all get less than half full Mom’ll scoop the jam out with a knife and put it all in one jar and mix it together. Then you cook some toast on the stove till it gets golden and spread the mixed jam on it. If you’re feeling bold you can put another piece of toast on top and make a sandwich. 

 

It was delicious.  

 

One time I told Tricia about it and we even made some. She thought it was disgusting but that just meant more for me. 

 

Speaking of which…. It was Saturday and Tricia and I had plans, Tricia still had that surprised that I never got to see because um… the  _ thing  _ happened… but she said she’d show me tonight. I was excited. And I know I said I need to stop spending  _ all  _ my time around her but that doesn’t mean I can’t spend  _ any  _ time around her.

 

“Momma, can I spend the night with Tricia tonight?”  I said as we washed the dishes together, she had to go to work in 15 so she was already in her uniform, made me feel kinda like we were in Olive Garden instead of our shitty kitchen. “ ‘Course you can hun” then she put her hand on shoulder. “You’re growing up so much.” Then she was hugging me. 

 

These were the moments I liked to remember when I think about my mom. I don’t wanna think about the yelling and cussing or the drugs and alcohol. I just want to think of a mom hugging her daughter to show her she loves her in the sunlit kitchen on a Saturday morning. My mom might not be the best but...she was still mine. And I loved her.

 

I went to grab my stuff while momma headed to her work. I shot Tricia a text telling her I’d be over soon and she sent me a thumbs up emoji as a response. I love Tricias house, honestly it makes me feel more at home than my own home most of the time. Her mom could be sweet and her dad could be welcoming, it felt like a real family. 

 

When I got there her mom opened the door and let me in, giving me a shoulder squeeze as I headed to the stairs. Tricia was standing at the top, waiting for me. “I thought your dumb ass got lost. What took you so long?” In all honesty I had stopped to see if Kenny was working at City Work, (he had told me he applied there again (for the  _ sixth  _ time in his life. They always gave him the job)) he wasn’t. 

 

I didn’t want to tell her that because I didn’t want her to make fun of me but at the same time I read that if you want any kind of relationship to go anywhere then you had to be completely honest with them.  So I told her the truth, that I had been worried about Kenny because he hadn’t come home last night and I checked to see if he was working or not.

 

“Oh, well I think that’s kind of sweet” God, she never stops surprising me. “But you could have texted him instead of going to the opposite side of town you know. I wonder what it’s like to have a head without a brain.” Okay maybe she wasn’t  _ that  _ surprising. She never could pass up an opportunity to be a bitch. 

 

“I believe I was promised a surprise like, a week ago.”  Her signature mischievous smile spread across her face, (the one that makes my stomach do flips) and her eyes got excited and wicked. 

 

I couldn’t help but to think she’d make a damn good super villain. I could imagine her towering over her victims, laughing evilly and not giving a lick of compassion. I stopped my train of thought very quickly because it was making me feel hot in all the right places. Something about the image of her towering over  _ me  _ made me really excited (I could imagine rope and me powerless to stop her, not that I would stop her). 

 

Unfortunately this wasn’t the best time or place to get turned on. (Also not the best place to find out that maybe I had a power kind? Or a sub/dom kink? Or like a bondage kink ?? I don’t know the terminology!)

 

She grabbed my hand and took me to her room. Every Time she touched me it was like electricity was being shot through me. Sometimes it seemed so unfair that she could just do this stuff and it didn’t affect her at all. 

 

She closed the door and rushed to her closet, pulling out a shoe box. “Karen, I have in my hands the key to good times, over eating and headaches. Are you ready?”

 

I was most definitely ready, and by that I mean I was most definitely  _ not  _ ready. All the possibilities of what could  _ possibly  _ be in the box rushed through my mind. I was on the edge of my seat.

 

She opened it slowly, watching my expression as the contents of the box were revealed. I found myself staring at a bottle of Brandy, a baggie of weed, and a pipe and lighter. I couldn’t tell if the feeling in my belly was fear or excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> seeing all of your comments and kudos make me so happy. im kind of scred to post the ending to this story (the end isn't as close as im making it seem asdlkhgs) and i hope in the end it all works out


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they make a game plan to figure out what the fuck is happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me so long to post, i don't like to post a new chapter unless i've also written another chapter, that way i won't get behind. but i've been wrapped up in summer (aka playing sims and rereading my fav fanfictions) so i've fallen behind on posting. i'll post twice today to make up for it

I’d spent the night at Butters house before, plenty of times actually. We all have. But never like this. Never with our legs tangled and our hearts beating and his body so close to mine. I knew he was already awake when I woke up because of the way he was breathing. His head was on my chest and I could feel his breath coming out in shallow puffs. He had his arm draped around me and he was  _ so close.  _ If I didn’t already have morning wood then I was about to get it, unless we got as far away from each other as possible.

 

So even though I really  _ really  _  didn’t want to I shifted to let him know that I was awake, I had to otherwise he might feel something that could lead to a very awkward situation (an image passed in my head of him feeling my boner and shyly suggesting to help me out. Actually I think I watched a hentai like that one time…). 

 

He smelt like sweet shampoo and when he drew away from me I felt a wave of disappointment but I couldn’t give in to my urges to keep him there against me because then my arousal would spike and he’d feel my hard on and get weirded out and everything would be ruined. 

 

“Morin’ Ken,” he sounded so casual, as if I didn’t catch him cuddling me. Maybe it wasn’t so crazy to think that  _ maybe  _ he likes me too? “Good morning Buttercup” He rolled out of bed and once he was standing in the middle of his room he clasped his hands together and brought them up, to the side, to the other side and up again. Then he separated them and brought them down.He was so weird and adorable and who the fuck just  _ stretches  _ first thing in the morning? 

 

I knew I should probably look away, or at least not focus in on his shirt that was riding up when he stretched. But I did and honestly I don’t regret it. 

 

Just watching my  _ friend  _ stretch, just watching my  _ friends  _ shirt show his cute little stomach. You know. Like  _ friends do. _

 

Even though I could tell neither of us wanted to go downstairs and face his parents but I had work for my new job today so I had to leave soon. I’ve pretty much worked at every place in South Park and usually I can keep it for a while (unless they do drug tests but most places in South Park don’t do those) but because of my poor attendance (because I’m usually fucking  _ dead _ ) I get fired a lot. 

 

We skipped down the stairs together and were met by an empty house, I guess his parents were at work which made sense… I guess he didn’t want to leave his room for a different reason. 

 

Butters told me he had to check the mail to see if his dads Amazon package had come and once he left the house I realized how uncomfortable I was just sitting in his house without him. I helped myself to an Eggo Waffle and a pop tart, I didn’t think he’d mind. Butters walked into the kitchen a moment later carrying several boxes. 

 

_ He does so much for his family but they’re still so mean. I’m surprised this kid doesn’t have more problems. _

 

I looked over at the clock on his wall and noted that I had 30 minutes till work. “Hey Butters, could I use your shower? I’ve got work soon and I don’t wanna smell like a hobo.” he said I could (like I knew he would cause he’s  _ Butters _ ) and even brought me a fresh towel. 

 

Showering in other peoples homes always made me feel… weird. Like it was some kind of very private and special room. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they decorate their bathroom, you can tell more about them than you can from their kitchen but not more than you can about their room. Butters bathroom was clean, he had one of those fancy robot toothbrushes that old women use. He had towels that matched his rug and rocks in the sink. Fucking rocks. 

 

I showered as quickly as I could, if I stayed in there too long I’d think about who else had been in here, naked, right where I stood. Perhaps doing something maybe not so innocent...? I didn’t wanna dwell on that thought before I did something undignified and embarrassing. God I needed to get laid soon, I was getting a serious case of blue balls that I doubt porn would solve. I left the bathroom purposely avoiding my reflection.

 

Butters had left some clean clothes for me folded neatly on his bed, it wouldn’t matter in the end since I’d end up covering it with my parka anyway, but it was a sweet gesture. He gave me a white T shirt and jeans that looked like he hadn’t touched in ages. Wearing his shirt was surprisingly comforting; it smelled like him and it was like getting a hug constantly. I understood why girls liked wearing their boyfriends hoodies all the time. I mean... not that Butters was my boyfriend. Maybe some day (or maybe never, you never know). 

 

Butters was in almost the same spot that I left him in, the packages had been open and now that they were out in the open it was easy to tell there was a theme. It was all medieval themed and the table was covered with knight wear and a flag and there was even a sword, the boxes lay opened on the table in a messy pile. Butters was sorting through it all and laying it in neat lines, he was even hanging some of it on the wall (so far he had hung up a shield, ax, and Butters had moved to start working on hanging up the sword above the doorway). 

 

“What’s all this for?”

 

He must not have heard me coming downstairs because he jumped when I talked. When he jumped he made the ladder shake and almost dropped the sword. Almost dropped the sword. Right. On. Me. He gripped the wall like it was a lifeline and his eyes looked like they were about to pop out of his head. 

 

Butters quickly hung the sword up and rushed down the ladder, he gripped my shoulders then my face and grabbed my arms to bring them up like he was looking for something. “Jesus Kenny are you okay?” I felt like  _ I  _ should be asking him that rather than the other way around; he looked spooked while I felt just fine. I was perfectly calm, I mean  _ I  _ wasn’t the one who almost fell off the ladder. 

 

“I-”

“I could have  _ killed  _ you! Kenny that sword could have  _ killed you.” _

That actually surprised me because, I guess after all this time I just got sort of… used to it? I mean I knew I almost died but so what? It’s not like dying would kill me. Sometimes it’s funny to see how people still respond to death. It’s easy to forget that it’s something that people are still afraid of. I kind of wanted to laugh.

 

“I’m fine Butters, really.” I grabbed his hands and took them off my shoulder, brought them down at his sides. I was okay.

 

“Actually I was wanting to talk to you about that... “

 

It was hard to read his expression; he still looked a little worried but also curious he had this look in his eye that made me feel like he cared so so much. It’s the type of look that Karen gives me when we spend a day at the creek in summer, or the way Clyde looks at his dad sometimes, it kind of looks like the way Stan and Kyle look at each other when they think the other isn’t paying attention. It’s a look that means he  _ cares. _ It’s a look that’s dangerous.

 

“I think we should do some tests. I need to find out  _ why  _ I come back. What brings me back. How. If.. If I could die… while someone is  _ around.  _ Someone who can  _ remember _ -”

 

“No! Kenny I  _ have  _ been there! Do you not remember that I was  _ there  _ when you got hit by that car? I had to  _ see  _ that I… I can’t go through that again….” I thought he was gonna cry. He  _ wasn’t  _ but I thought he might, you never know what he’s gonna do. I was anxious to ask him about this, I was afraid he'd react this way. 

 

“Okay Butters, we don’t have to have you be  _ there  _ when I die but there’s still things I need you to do.” He looked like he was going to  _ argue _ again and I couldn’t have that so I cut him off before he could start talking again. “Next time I die- which is inevitable, you need to focus and take notes on what happens. If I’m with people what part of their memories goes, what does it get replaced with. And pay attention to my house or my room or whatever because always, no matter  _ what  _ I wake up in my bed.”  

 

Something in my voice must have tipped him off on how serious this was because he nodded his head once. I looked at the clock behind him and realized I had to leave  _ now  _ if I didn’t want to be late for work. 

 

“Thanks for letting me stay over,” I flashed him a smile.

“I gotta go,” I turned around.

“Bye!” 

 

I ran directly into the door frame (like an idiot).

 

And his dads stupid fucking sword that was hanging above the Goddamn  _ door _ fell. And I’m sure you can guess what happened next. 

 

I guess we’d be doing our experiment a lot sooner than I thought huh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had an important decision to make today: post this chapter or eat frozen blueberries and cheese crackers (better know as breakfast). i think we all know what i ended up doing


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bad decisions with your best friend (/love of your life) can't be all that bad right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im actually really excited for y'all to read this chapter, i like it a lot and im not sure why

I knew all about this stuff. I had seen Kenny and my parents do it countless times. 

 

One time Kenny asked me if I wanted a hit and I almost took it but I got freaked out last minute and bailed. I won’t bail this time.

 

“Pretty cool right? My brother hooked me up and I’ve been saving it to do together!”

 

It’s not like weeds  _ bad.  _ I mean it  _ is  _ bad otherwise it wouldn’t be illegal but I’ve looked into it and it’s not like harmful, there’s nothing wrong with it. Except I have heard it messes with your development so I wasn’t planning on doing it till my brain was done developing but it’ll be fine. It’s not like you can die from it, it’s not like anyone’s ever gotten brain damage from smoking weed. 

 

“He said he started doing it around my age and I since I’ve been telling him I want to try it he decided to get me some as an early birthday present!” 

 

But what if I smoke it and then my memory gets all fucked up forever and I can’t remember anything ever. What if I become addicted and I start skipping school and not doing my homework just so that I can smoke? Marijuana is addictive right? I mean I haven’t heard of it being addictive but it’s a drug and aren’t all drugs addictive?

 

“I haven’t done weed before, like I said I was saving it to do together, but I  _ have  _ drank before. Brandy is alright I guess, I tried vodka once and it was  _ awful. _ This isn’t as bad, promise.” 

 

The alcohol. Now that  _ can  _ kill you. I could get alcohol poisoning, I  _ won’t  _ because it’s only one bottle of Brandy that’s gonna be shared with two girls. And the bottle isn’t even completely full. Besides, it’s not like we’ll be driving or anything so we can’t hurt anyone  _ else.  _ I do know that alcohol can seriously fuck up a kids brain so I’m a little worried about that.

“Hey, if this is freaking you out we don’t have to do it. We can just chill, no drugs or alcohol involved.” 

 

I hadn’t realized that she was paying attention to me. I did notice how her smile fell. Yeah this stuff scared me but we’d be doing it together, so we would be alright. I trusted her to make sure I was safe.

 

“Are we doing them both? Or like, are we doing them both right now? It’s not even noon.” That was true, I’ll do the alcohol and weed but I always thought that stuff was like a night time things? The idea of doing it this early seemed strange, I’m not sure why.

 

Okay maybe I  _ am  _ sure why; her parents are right downstairs and would probably make us lunch and I wouldn’t be able to have a normal encounter with them if I was drunk  _ and  _ high!

 

“No silly, I was thinking we smoke after lunch and then after dinner we can drink. Today’s gonna be lit!” She got up on her knees and punch the air with her fist when she said that. I knew she was using the word ‘lit’ ironically because it’s outdated but since we’re  _ literally gonna get lit  _ I think it fit the occasion. I was still nervous but it’d be fine, everyday I hear about kids at our school who drank over the weekend and who come to school high and they’re fine. Okay maybe they have lower grades then the rest of us but they’re still good kids. 

 

I just can’t let myself slip up and start doing it all the time instead of my school work. I was basically the only one in this family who had the potential to  _ be  _ something. I know that sounds really mean but it’s true; Kenny isn’t exactly a star student and Kevin seems to be living a pretty boring, normal life. Momma has already moved Kevin and Kenny's college funds under my name so I can get into a good school. Well, it still isn’t a lot and sometimes we have to take from it for stuff like bills and food but it’s something. I could be a doctor or a scientist. I kind of want to be a biologist. I love plants and I love science soo.

 

I was still kind of nervous about the weed and alcohol but I didn’t want to seem like a wuss in front of Tricia, or make her think I didn’t want to do it. 

I decided to confine in my new friend.

 

_ 11:16 _

_ i’m gonna do weed _

_ 11:16 _

_ and alcohol _

_ 11:16 _

_ with the girl i love _

 

I thought Tricia and I would do what we always do together:sit on our asses and watch movies. But she decided to go to the mall and get clothes. Her mom gave us $100 (which  _ holy shit I can’t believe her mom just gave her one hundred dollars for shopping) _ and said to share the money, so basically I got $50. I could buy so much shit.

 

We were in Forever 21 when I felt my phone buzz.

 

_ 11:38  _

_ Butters Stotch _

_ Be safe and don’t make any silly mistakes under the influence! _

 

_ 11:38 _

_ i’ll be safe!  _

 

_ 11:39 _

_ how’d your sleepover go with the guyyyyyy _

 

I smirked and put my phone in my back pocket, I knew I was teasing him but it was too much fun  _ not  _ to. Tricia was trying on a few things, after every outfit she’d put on she’d come out and show me. I hope she didn’t notice how hot my face out everytime she came out in crop tops or fishnet leggings. God this woman was the most hot person I’ve ever seen. 

 

I tried on one thing from Forever 21, it was a sweater with a multi colored stripe down the middle. When I showed her she said it was gay, and the immediately apologized a million times.

 

I put it back.

 

Tricia and I have this little game we do anytime we go shopping, we’ll each try to pick out the craziest or dumbest outfit we can and the have the other person try it on. It’s fun but Tricia always picks out crop tops or kinda short skirts for me.

 

This time around I had her wearing a yellow leopard print jean jacket, a pink sheer top and a black tank top to go under it. I also gave her a weird, tight, leather  _ blue  _ skirt to wear with it.

 

She picked out an orange crop top with the muppets printed out on it, black, short shorts, freaking  _ fishnets  _ and a pair of the ugliest, chunkiest boots I’ve ever seen. 

 

Once we were both out (and had time to laugh at how stupid the other looked) she had us take a mirror picture. I always wondered what she did with all the pictures she had of us, she didn’t post all of them and she didn’t like hang them up and frame them or anything. I don’t know, made me curious. 

 

Tricia had spent her share of the money after lunch at the food court and a trip to Garage while I still hadn’t made a dint in mine. Okay well I bought food but besides  _ that. _

 

I did find some stuff at Tillys; I found this sweet T-shirt of a skeleton surfing and some jeans. I decided I wanted to save whatever money I had left. It was time I started pulling my own weight at home. It’s not fair to let Momma and Kenny provide for all of us.

 

Tricia wanted one last selfie of us in front of Hot Topic and then we could leave. She said it was ‘ironic’ I didn’t really get how but I didn’t question it. That reminded me that Butters still hadn’t said anything back, I checked my phone just to make sure I had no notifications. For a brief second I imagined an awful scenario where my brother was the guy Butters was in love with and they had both gotten kidnapped or killed or something and that’s why Kenny had vanished and why Butters hasn't texted back. Then I pushed it aside because how crazy was that? 

 

Butters was fine. Kenny was fine. We were all fine.

 

And I was thinking too much (again).

 

He probably just got offended because I was teasing him. I was gonna write out an apology but then I thought he can get over it. He’s like 17 he can take a joke. Plus I’m trying to say sorry less. 

 

Once we got home, I remembered what we were gonna do. And  _ holy shit we’re gonna smoke pot. _ But I was more excited than nervous this time. We set our shopping bags down  and she went to her closet. She pulled out the box but also two towels. I was gonna ask why she had the towels but before the words could even fully form in my brain she had already put them on the floor in front of her bedroom door, blocking the small space under the door. 

 

“It’s so the smell can’t get out into the house, Craig taught me this trick.” She said as she walked over to the bag and started getting everything ready. “Could you open the window please?”

 

It was kind of mesmerizing, watching her take the weed out of the baggie and into the pipe, it felt like I was watching something foreign, something I wasn’t supposed to see. For a split second I thought that maybe I should cover my eyes, but that thought was so silly it almost made me laugh. Tricia put it all back in the box when she was done and brought it up to her face, pipe in one hand lighter in the other. 

 

Just when I thought she was going to do it she abruptly pulled away, drawing her attention (which was focused intently on the task at hand) sharply towards me. “You’re sure you want to do this?”

 

“Yeah.” A beat. Maybe two. “Are  _ you _ ?” I don’t know why but that made her smile, not her wicked smile but her open, silent laugh kind of smile. The kind that warms my heart. The kind not enough people got to see. 

 

“Hell yeah I am.” And just like Tricia always does, she dived head first and brought the lighter to the little bowel with the weed and I watched as it caught flame briefly, then she took the lighter away and inhaled. I thought she did it wrong at first because no smoke was coming out of her mouth but then she started coughing like crazy and puffs of smoke came out with each cough.

 

I guess she knew what she was doing after all. Since she was busy coughing she handed me the pipe and lighter and reached for her water. “I heard that you’re supposed to hold it in to make it work better. I also heard that the second hit is the strongest.” She said in between coughs. 

 

I guess her and Craig had talked about this more than I thought. It hit me that this must have been something she wanted to do for a while, probably something she’s been talking about for weeks, maybe months. And I had no idea. But I wasn’t going to dwell.

 

I held the two objects in my hand for a second before I had a burst of courage and closed my lips around the part of the pipe where your mouth goes, I’m not sure of the name. Is there a name for it? Is the different parts of the pipe all called something or is it all just called a pipe? Anyway, following Tricias example I lit the little dip and breathed in. I intended to hold it in like she did but almost the second I breathed it in I had to cough it out. 

 

We went on like that, passing it and coughing and I started to feel like I was floating,it was good. Once we were done we sat on her bed, she was on Twitter and I was watching Anime on her Netflix. 

 

My mouth felt dry, like I lost my ability to make saliva. And I had started to twitch, and I was overly aware of everything and I really wanted a Twinky. The thing that got me the most was being overly aware; it was like I could feel every single individual tooth in my mouth and I could feel my throat and all my bones, I didn’t really like it. Whenever I closed my eyes it felt like I was nonstop falling, it was scary. Really really scary. I tried to focus on something else, I had two things to focus on. Anime and Tricia.

 

I chose the latter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love writing for these girls, there's something kind of freeing about writing for them, since pretty much no one does and also they aren't on the show a lot so i can have some wiggle room. 
> 
> OH also this chapter has kinda inspired me to write a little one shot based on these two girls (since it'll be based on this universe i'll make it part of a series which i've always wanted to do and which seems a little scary) tell me if you'd be interested in giving it a read


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> very important things happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow,, big chapter. good luck!  
> (spot me refreshing my inbox for the next 6 hours)

It was a relief to go Heaven instead of Hell. It always is. 

 

As much as I wanted to just stay here and never go back to my shitty life, Butters was waiting for me. So before Mark could start his dumb fucking  _ list  _ I put my hand up to make him stop before he starts. Amazingly, this worked.

 

“This is fun and all but I kinda got someone to get back to.” An imagine of Butters flashed before my eyes; him over my dead body, feeling like it was  _ his  _ fault since he put the sword there. I felt so fucking bad, I wasn’t going to die in front of me. He  _ told  _ me how it fucks him up to see me die all the time. What if he thought I did it on  _ purpose,  _ he’d be so pissed at me. I’m such a shit… friend? Can I call us friends? We aren’t  _ more  _ than friends but at this point I don’t think we’re  _ just  _ friends. I don’t fucking know.

 

“No can do kiddo, we need you to test something for us, if you would.” And then he smiled. Like fucking always.

 

I didn’t want to test anything. Butters was there. Butters was probably  _ waiting  _ for me. Afraid or scared cause he just saw his um… friend(?) die. No scratch that he just watched his friend get fucking  _ mutilated.  _

 

“Listen bud, I don’t want to ‘test’ anything and I  _ need  _ to get back. I never even told my sister where I was going, she’s probably worried!” That thought made me feel extremely guilty. I always try to tell my sister where I am or where I’m going and what I’m doing but I just left her to go fuck around with Butters. Not that any fucking was going on with Butters...maybe one day. I know she worries about me a lot and I hate that I do so much shit to cause her to worry, it’s not fair. She deserves a better brother. 

 

“Oh but the thing you have to test has to do with your sister” of course he knew how to get me interested. He knows how much I love my sister, well everyone does it’s not exactly a secret. Thinking of my sister made me sad, it made me realize how long it’d been since we had a day for just us. I used to schedule them. Once a month I’d have a day that was all about her; we’d do whatever she wanted to do. I wonder why we don’t do that anymore...

 

So I followed him and he lead me to this little house, it was everything I’ve ever wanted and it didn’t take me long to figure out that this was literally my dream house. In heaven you get your dream house with your dream life where you can do anything. And here was mine I guess.

 

My house was big but not  _ too  _ big and it was clean, almost spotless. My dream house isn’t perfectly clean but it’s nice, it’s homey. And it’s a fucking mansion! I didn’t want to leave for anything. I would say it’s heaven but...it’s  _ literally  _ heaven.

  
  


He took me to a room that was almost completely bare except a weird looking… bird fountain..? I think? I don’t know, that’s what it looked like. But when I went up to it I could see that it had some weird pool thing in it. I looked up to see Mark watching me, a weird expression on his face. Like he was studying me. Like he could see something inside of me that I couldn’t see. 

 

I didn’t like it one bit.

 

“This is what we need you to do.” I didn’t understand what he meant. Stare into a bird fountain? “What do you mean?” Something in me didn’t want to ask that question, like if I found out what it was he wanted I wouldn’t be able to turn back, I’d be too far gone. Which didn’t make any sense.

 

“We’ve been training you Kenny. You have a unique ability, though it is brought on by something wicked, something evil. You understand how to help people,  _ really  _ understand them, like no other. You’ve spent your whole life helping people. Don’t you think there’s a reason for that?”

 

_ Yeah the reason is because I’m a good fucking person you dick.  _ “No I didn’t think there was a  _ reason  _ for it. I gotta get back Bu-”

 

“You know how your sister used to call you here ‘guardian angel’ well, what if you became just that. A real guardian angel. You could help people like never before. We’ve been watching you your whole life and the little task we gave you was the final test. You’re ready Kenny Mccormick. We can make it so that you stay dead. Stay here, watching over people and helping them. Forever.” 

 

He had to be joking. He  _ had  _ to be joking, right? There was no fucking way he was seriously suggesting I just up and  _ leave _ . I mean I couldn’t right..? But I couldn’t seem to remember  _ why  _ I couldn’t. The reason was like a dream that you’ve just barely forgotten,  with it’s ghost still in my brain. Why exactly couldn’t I stay?

 

“But I can’t I...I have more things to do.” 

 

And there it was, the reason I couldn’t stay here.

 

“People to see. Things to say to those people that need to be said.”

 

I can’t leave like this. I need to tell Butters, tell Karen.  _ Everything.  _

 

“Alright Kenny, I am a reasonable man. I’ll give you another life, a chance to do all the things you must do. But it’s very important that we get this show on the road! You need to become a real guardian angel quick or else everything will be messed up. There’s a purpose for everyone, you know that. And your death is a vital part to that purpose. This is so much bigger than you Kenny, I am so very excited for you to see what’s in store!”

 

I felt kind of trapped. I didn’t have a choice in this. Not really. 

 

I remembered Butters and I’s plan, to figure out why I die. If I go, I leave that question unanswered. “Wait, I know I’ve asked before but” I hesitated, I didn’t plan on hesitating but I was a little overwhelmed right now, it’s a lot for one guy to take in.  “Why do I die? Was it… was it all just part of this  _ training? _ ” 

 

I spat the last word, I felt bitter. I felt almost betrayed in a way. Feeling helpless was never a feeling I liked growing up. I like to be in control of my life.

 

“Oh Kenny, you know I can’t answer that. But since soon, you’ll be joining us up here, you’ll know the answer anyway. I’ll give you a hint. Talk to your parents.” If I wasn’t in heaven I think I would have felt sick. I really didn’t have a say in any of this. Even if I refused to stay up here what could I do to stop them? I felt powerless…

 

“Oh one more thing! If you would, don’t tell anyone about this, it will mess everything up. So for a precaution I’m going to make you unable to speak of it! Have a good day buddy!” And then he smiled. He smiled like he wasn’t making my blood boil and- 

 

I could feel my conscience fading, I was going back. 

 

And then I  _ was  _ back. Back in my bed like always. But this time the pit in my stomach felt so  _ so  _ much deeper. 

 

To my surprise though, Butters was at the foot of my bed, nervously biting his nails. That was something I’ve never seen. Of all my years of dying I’ve never woken up from a death to see someone waiting.

 

It was strangely nice...

 

He did not look good. He had bags under his eyes and they were red and puffy as if he’d been crying a lot. And his hair, it was all messed up like he’d run his hands through it one too many times. His shirt was wrinkled like he’d been pulling on it. He actually kind of looked like Tweek. Well… a more sexy and less like he’d been doing meth for fifty years, version of Tweek. And still… just seeing him gave me a weird feeling in my chest. A feeling that I think I know the name of now..

 

“...Butters?” My voice sounded weird and scruffy from sleep. I was just so fucking happy to see him, and a little confused as to what he was doing here. When I spoke he turned around so fast I thought he might hurt himself, he didn’t even look at me for a second before throwing himself at me, I thought I might fall back from the force of it. Wrapping me up in his arms as if he’s afraid I’ll turn to dust. 

 

I realized that he was crying. My Butters was crying and shaking, saying things I couldn’t make out. I started stroking his back, trying to sooth him in anyway that I could. “Butters what are you doing here I-” 

 

“Shut up! Don’t speak another word! I don’t care how hard it is you  _ can’t  _ die anymore! I don’t know exactly what happened I just remember waking up today sad and I couldn’t understand  _ why _ and then… and then I remembered. I  _ remembered  _ Ken… I ran here to see if you were alive and here and if you weren’t I was gonna tell Karen or maybe your parents but-” 

 

And maybe it was just knowing that we didn’t have very much time together or maybe it was cause I couldn’t really deal with getting yelled at right now… or maybe it was just because of all the shit with Mark the dip shit and I was so happy to see him but it was probably just cause I wanted to.

 

So I shut him up only because if I waited another second I was gonna explode. I shut him up  in probably the most inappropriate way possible. I kissed him. 

 

I kissed my Butters. Butters Stotch,  the boy that I  _ love.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not gonna lie im kinda nervous to see how y'all react to this one. im going away on vacation so i wanted to post this before i head out. i know this chapter moves kinda fast but that's just how it b sometimes,, as the song goes....
> 
> life is a highway  
> (and highways are fucking fast)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a fun night get more fun

The night only got better from there. Since we were both kind of out of it I could stare at her all I wanted and she didn’t even notice.

 

And all that time where I just got to admire her up close made me appreciate just how beautiful she really is. I’ve always loved her hair; it always looks perfect, even when she’s just woken up. No matter what she does to it it always just looks…. so good. And her eyes,  _ jesus her eyes.  _ She had  _ the  _ most gorgeous eyes I’ve ever seen. They were green and it was almost impossible to tell what she was thinking just by looking at her eyes. We’re different in the way that I can’t ever hide what I’m feeling no matter how hard I try, and with her even if she  _ tries  _ it’s still hard for her to get emotions across. She’s only open to me because we’ve been friends for so long.

 

She was staring at her phone (how shocking I know) but honestly it cast nice lighting and illuminated her face in the dark room.  It was like she was glowing. Hell maybe she was. She also had these cute freckles that only really shows up in the summer but when they’re there it’s the cutest Goddamn thing ever. Oh also in the summer her hair gets lighter with the sun and can I just say… light strawberry hair looks so good on her… who am I kidding she could pull off anything.

 

But the really good part came after dinner, when the  _ booze  _ was introduced. The weed had worn off (for the most part, I was still feeling a little out of it) so once we put our plates in the sink, shared a knowing glance with Craig and Tweek (Tweek had appeared out of fucking  _ nowhere _ , or maybe he’d been here even longer than me and I didn’t notice. I don’t know, they’re always together) which I can assume they both know about what we’ve done and what we’re planning on doing. Tricia told Craig and whatever Craig knows Tweek knows too. They were a package deal like that.

 

Tricia and I were borderline giddy walking up the stairs. I could feel excitement pooling my stomach, today was going to be perfect. I felt like when I was in elementary school and there was a big field trip the next day or when I had a birthday and I knew Tricia would go all out and get me a cake and a nice present and make the class sing me happy birthday even though I die from embarrassment every time they do that. 

 

As soon as we got in her room and closed the door we burst out in a fit of giggles. It was so bizarre, I felt like a little kid again.I had almost forgotten what that felt like... We sat on her floor together, so close that our shoulders touched, I could feel every time she took a breath. She took the first sip then passed it to me.

 

I just kind of stared at it for a while, it looked good, smelled gross. But I drank it. And it sorta burned but I kept drinking. And handing it off. It tasted gross but I just kept telling myself if I drank it it’d pay off. We went on like that till the room was spinning and I was positive that if I had another drink of it I’d puke my guts out. Tricia didn’t have the same problem I guess, so she kept going after I was done.

 

I felt like dancing, which was a weird change from when I was high and all I wanted to do was lay down and relax, so we danced. There wasn’t any music playing but we danced.

 

She grabbed my hand and spun me around the room (which was probably a bad idea since I already felt like puking and the room was already spinning enough  _ before _ ) and we danced. She looked different, I’ve never seen Tricia like this, she just totally let go. She was even laughing like a lot. Dancing was fun but I was feeling kind of sick and Tricia kept hanging off me and getting  _ so close  _ and it was probably just because I wasn’t in my right mind but I swear to God I almost kissed her. A few times. 

 

And maybe I was drunker than I thought but I think that if I  _ did  _ kiss her, right then and there, while we’re dancing in the middle of her room with no music, drunk out of our minds,  she’d kiss back. But that’s stupid right?

 

So we laid down on her bed before I could do anything too stupid. It wasn’t how we normally lay on her bed, normally Tricia isn’t a huge fan of touching (and I’m terrified of over stepping) so usually only our shoulders touch. But this time, she was laying her head on my shoulder and her arm over me, even her leg was draped over my leg. Tricia fucking Tucker was  _ cuddling me _ . 

 

The only thing I could think was  _ ‘holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit’ _ , and so on. Okay that wasn’t the  _ only  _ thing I could think. I could also think about how close she was and how good she smelt and how badly I wanted to run my fingers through her hair. And then I thought  _ ‘fuck it’  _ and then I actually  _ did  _ play with her hair. 

 

In my drunken brain it made plenty of sense, after all  _ she  _ was the one who started cuddling  _ me. _ And she didn’t say anything, actually she encouraged it, I thought about stopping but when I did she asked me to keep going. I was kind of in heaven right now. 

 

Then she changed her position so that she was sitting up, facing me. Following her lead I sat up too, swaying all the while. But now we were just facing each other and I didn’t want it to get awkward so I opened my mouth to say something, I don’t really know what, I couldn’t think right. I just didn’t want to sit in silence staring at her (well I  _ did  _ but not in like a platonic way... _ is  _ there a platonic way to just stare and admire someone?) but I never got to because she beat me to it.

 

“You’re so pretty Karen.” Okay well that definitely wasn’t what I was expecting, it wasn’t like her to just blurt shit out. 

 

“Which is kind of surprising because of the way you live.” Okay I felt a little offended by that but I couldn’t get too hurt because that was not the most graceful way she could have said  _ “You’re poor as shit”.  _ I guesse the alcohol was fucking up her speech. 

 

“No noo don’t look like that I wasn’t trying to be mean!” She was slurring her words like one of the people off a sicom, I was trying not to laugh at her.

 

“Your brother’s hot too- but not like you! You’re like.. I don’t know.” It was normal for girls to compliment each other when they’re drunk right? Yeah I mean I hear silly drunk girl in the bathroom stories all the time. At least that’s what I was telling myself.

 

Then she got closer, she even reached out her hand and put it on my face. She was cupping my mother fucking face and hoooooly SHIT did it get to me! 

 

“You’re like… really pretty. And and smart too and… you’ve got this awesome um... personality! That’s the word! I like being around you. I think…” My face was already red because of the alcohol but shit I’m positive I could have put ketchup to shame at that moment. But she was struggling to find the right words and part of that has to do with the alcohol (she’s never never good with feelings or words but I’m sure a bottle of brandy didn’t help) which helped remind me that she wasn’t in her right mind right now. Reminded me that none of this was  _ real. _

 

That didn’t stop her though. She got even  _ closer  _ and put her other hand on the other side of my face. She was just looking at me for a second, then she looked down and then back up. 

 

“What would you do if I kissed you right now?”  _ I’d have a mother freaking heart attack and die from happiness that’s what I’d do.  _ Even though I knew neither of us were in our right head I couldn’t help how um…  _ warm  _ I was starting to feel  _ down there. _ I read that people get horny when they’re drunk but  _ fuck.  _ “I uh. I don’t know... Only one way to find out right?”

 

Okay! Before you judge me let me say something! I know she wasn’t in her right mind but I wasn’t either! I was actually surprised by my boldness, I definitely did not attend for those words to come out of my mouth. I was trying to defuse the situation not take things further!

 

“I guess you’re right..” 

 

And then she was leaning close and I could feel her breath on my face and it occured to me that this was how my first kiss was going to go down. I don’t know why that thought made me sad but it did strike some sense in me. It was like reality just knocked me upside the head. The term ‘reality check’ made a lot of sense at that moment.

 

Even though I really ( _ really _ ) didn’t want to, I put my hands on her shoulders and eased her back. This  _ was  _ the girl I love and who I want my first kiss to be with (hopefully if things go my way the only person I’ll ever kiss) but she’s drunk and I’m drunk and that’s not fair to either of us.

 

I don’t want her hating herself in the morning for kissing her gay friend and I don’t want to feel guilty for taking advantage of my best friend. So yeah, I pushed her away, not too far, just far enough so that she got the hint.

 

She looked briefly sad and then annoyed and I felt bad but not as bad as I would have felt in the morning if I let her kiss me when she’s like this. “Maybe in the morning, ‘s not fair to let you do that when you’re drunk.” I wasn’t really in control of the things I was saying, it felt kind of like my filter was completely gone and anything that I thought I said. But in a weird way it wasn’t a bad thing.

 

Then she looked at me and her eyes looked so big and it made me remember when she was just a small kid and didn’t know the things about the world. It’s like I was looking into the eyes I fell in love with for the first time. And my heart must have agreed because it did this little squeeze thing and my stomach did somersaults and I grabbed her hands just so that I could in  _ some  _ way show her my affection. 

 

Slowly and more carefully than she’s said anything all night she said, “Will you still want to… in the morning? When we’re… when we aren’t…. Like this?” I couldn’t help but wonder if her filter had left her too. Maybe we were in the same boat. Then I remembered what Craig said. Tricia  _ was  _ gay, she told him herself. But then that thought lead me to another, she’s gay and she didn’t tell me. Even after I told her. 

 

And then  I got kind of mad and I think deep down I knew it was wrong to get mad over that but to my drunken brain it made perfect sense. “Yeah of course  _ I  _ would. But you’re straight.  _ Remember.”  _ I said it as bitterly as I could and from the look on her face I’m guessing the message got across. 

 

We went back to just laying on her bed. We didn’t do anything, didn’t watch anything. Didn’t say anything. Tricia didn’t even pull out her phone. We were just  _ laying  _ there and it was awkward. I wondered if I had actually hurt her feelings. If I did I didn’t mean to. But then what  _ did  _ I mean to do? I had to stop thinking because my thoughts weren’t making sense.

 

“But… we can still cuddle… ‘f ya want..” 

 

I wasn’t sure if I was saying that to make her feel better or me. But she moved closer to me anyway and when I put my arm around her she put her head on my chest, I knew we’d be alright.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i downloaded google docs on my phone just so i could write while i was at the air port,,

He didn’t do anything at first. He didn’t pull away (which gave me hope). He didn’t kiss back (which killed any hope that I had). Then he put his arms around my neck and opened his mouth a little.

 

Okay...let me tell you.. Let me  _ fucking  _ tell you. This boy was probably the best kisser I have  _ ever _ kissed. And that’s saying something. It’s not like he had a  _ whole  _ lot of experience (he whored himself out a lot in sixth grade but then he didn’t really date a whole lot) . I’ve dated (or at least fucked) just about every straight girl and gay guy in this school and he topped them all, easily.

 

I eased back onto my pillows and Butters followed, we didn’t leave each other for anything. Kissing him felt every bit as good as I had dreamed it would. Because I was testing the waters a little I ran my hand up his back then down to his lower back, then up the down then a little  _ lower.  _ He arched his back into me so I took that as a good sign. 

 

This, this right here was heaven. Literally better than the  _ actual  _ heaven. 

 

I was perfectly content with just frenching on my bed at 8 in the fucking morning, and from the way that Butters was moving onto my lap and letting me grab his waist I’d say he was too, but fate I guess had other plans because just when I was starting to think of more intimate things besides french kissing, my bedroom door burst open and Butters and I quickly removed ourselves from each other (Butters tried (not so subtly) to cover his crotch with his shirt).

 

I looked over, trying to act casual and like I hadn’t been caught making out with my dear ‘ol pal. Luckily for me I’ve had a lot of experience with people walking in on me when I’m doing the do, or at least about to, so this was a cake walk. I wish I could say Butters was handling it as well as me. His face was red and he was looking at my bed spread like if he just stared at it long enough we’d forget he was there. 

 

The person who had so  _ rudely  _ interrupted me was Karen. She looked a little shocked to see me and Butters which didn’t exactly make sense, she’d seen me do it with weirder people. 

 

There was an incident once(I don’t like to talk about it because it’s fucking  _ embarrassing _ ) where Kyle was  _ out  _ of it. He was drunk and I was high on acid, he came to me in the dead of night saying how he wants to kiss a guy and then that’s what we did. I was young and kind of had a crush on Kyle (okay it was a  _ small  _ crush and it was all because of this weird fucking wet dream I had had about him a few days before) But with a drunken Kyle and a high, sleep deprived and horny me our kissing soon turned more uh… intense. Karen walked in, saw what we were doing than immediately walked out. After that Kyle started talking about this guy he’s totally in love with and who happens to be his best friend and well… you can figure out who that is yourself. Anyway I promised I’d help him figure his shit out in the morning. But then in the morning when I woke up Kyle was nowhere to be found and anytime I tried to bring up the guy he got all defensive.

 

Anyway I didn’t really understand her reaction, especially because she was looking at Butters a lot, I didn’t even think she knew who he was. Then she gasped super loud and shrieked “BUTTERS  _ THAT’S THE GUY? HIM?”  _

 

I looked over to Butters to see if he was just as confused as me but he totally wasn’t, in fact he looked  _ more  _ embarrassed. So apparently the love of my teen life and my sister were best fucking friends and talked all the time (about… me?) and it was a little weird. Kind of strange. But I shouldn’t be surprised, Butters could make friends with anyone, he was just (perfect) kind like that. 

 

“O-oh yeah Karen um… your brother is uh…” he cleared his throat, “the  _ guy _ ..”

 

I was still so fucking lost and my sister had her mouth open so wide I thought it was gonna come off its hinges and Butters was trying so hard not to make eye contact with anyone that he looked like fucking ‘Mad-Eye Moody from Harry Potter. I decided I need to address whatever the hell was going on cause  _ clearly  _ they weren’t going to. “Okay. What the fuck is going on? Karen, how do you know Butters? Butters, why am I  _ “The Guy”  _ what the fuck does that mean?”

 

And then they were both looking at me. And I don’t know why but in that moment I just knew I loved these two people more than fucking anyone.It was a weird moment to get all sappy but what can I say, I’m a sentimental guy. They looked so stupid, like I had caught them doing something bad (which is ironic since Karen had actually caught us). These two were my future… or  _ were  _ going to be my future. I guess my plans have changed. 

 

After they exchanged a scared kind of look Karen spoke. “One day Butters caught me when I was really upset about um… one sided feelings and we found mutual ground, something we were both going though. It was nice to have someone able to relate to my situation so I guess we just became friends. Or I mean.. I consider you  _ my  _ friend but I totally get it if you don’t think of me as  _ your- _ ”

 

“Hold on hold on hold  _ on. _ How long have you guys been buddy buddy? Like days? Weeks?” It’s just such a weird thing to find out your sister and you um… boyfriend (?) were pals this whole time. Weird. Really weird.

 

“W-well it hasn’t been very long but your sister is just the sweetest, y’all are a lot alike. So it was easy to get along. Only I like you in a way different way..”

 

I knew I probably should have taken that statement as a compliment but  _ fuck _ did that last part imply some serious shit. I couldn’t stop my grin even if I tried. I could however have stopped my hand from pulling him to my side (I didn’t know how comfortable he was with PDA) but I really didn’t want to. I wanted to bask in this for as long as possible before… well as long as possible. 

 

Butters was apparently more bold then I give him credit for because after I put my arm around him he kissed my check in probably the most loving act anyone has done for me in  _ years.  _ And God  _ damn  _ did it feel good. I knew my sister was in the room and I should probably hold back for her sake but for once my needs were gonna outweigh everyone else’s. So, I turned my head and kissed him full on.

 

It wasn’t as heated as it was before, it had no tongue and it wasn’t looking for a deeper meaning. It gave me a moment to really soak everything in, sometimes life moves too fast and I can’t keep up with it. Things will happen and it’s like I forgot to pay attention in my own life. The kiss was good, it was the kind of kiss that reminded me of something an old, Happily married couple does. And for a second I let myself imagine that: Butters and I, living together happily. Karen lives next door, we have all the pet rodents we want. Life is good.

 

But I couldn’t lie to myself, I knew that wasn’t going to ever happen. Not anymore. 

 

After we pulled away we just kind of looked at each other. I know it was my fault for fucking up his eye and I feel crazy guilty about it but… it’s kind of pretty looking. His eyes were already blue but because I fucking  _ blinded him  _ (whoops sorry love) it got like this white blue color. I don’t know it was just cool looking.

 

I looked to see if Karen had been watching us (aka I suddenly remembered that there was another person in the room) and I let a laugh escape me. Karen, in all her good decency had  _ turned around _ and was just standing in my doorway facing the other way. When I looked over at Butters I saw that he had a funny grin on his face. Good to see he was as amused by her as I was. 

 

“Karen, did you come here to tell us something or were you just stopping by because you love your brother  _ so muc- _ ” she caught onto my teasing and threw her shoe at me. Her fucking  _ shoe.  _ She’s more spunky then she looks. 

 

“I actually  _ did  _ come here to tell you something! And Butters, I’m glad you’re here too, you’ll especially want to hear this.” 

 

She had successfully gotten both of our attentions and we were all ears. She was thriving off of our reaction, she always liked telling stories and putting on fake plays. Kinda makes me wonder why she never joined theater, she would have been good at it.

 

“Some  _ things  _ happened with Tricia last night… you will not  _ believe  _ what that girl is like when she’s drunk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m nervous for where this story is leading. i hope you keep reading and commenting


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karen finally gets to talk about her wild night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tryna work up a new series once this one ends so be prepared for that (idk what exactly it'll be about but it'll definitely be a south park fic)

“Wait  _ what?  _ You and Tricia got  _ drunk?!”  _

 

Oh yeah… guess I forgot that I hadn’t told him about that part…  _ whoops.  _ Actually I haven’t told him a  _ lot  _ of whats been happening in my life. That’s not very fair to him, I know he loves me and I know he does what is right for me but I guess I just get a little wrapped up in my own life sometimes. That’s another thing that isn’t fair to him.

 

“Oh um… yeah. But that’s not the important part! Last ni-”

 

“Oh did y’all kiss? That would be awfully exciting for you!”

 

“Well um… not exactly  _ kiss  _ kiss but we did do something!” I looked at Butters face and could tell he was expecting more; he was leaning in (and leaning against Kenny) it struck me that he probably thought something happened when nothing happened. Well not  _ nothing!  _ God why can’t I get my thoughts straight?

 

“We  _ technically  _ didn’t do anything but she  _ wanted  _ to kiss! So that has to mean  _ something _ right?”

 

When neither of them said anything I started to think maybe I was just making a giant fool of myself and looking into things that aren’t there. Maybe that was just a normal thing people do when they’re drunk?

 

 I was about to apologize for being stupid and let them return to doing whatever they were gonna do if I hadn’t walked in but Kenny spoke before I could.

 

“Okay so she wanted to makeout. Then what happened? You gotta give us  _ details  _ Karen.” 

 

“We were both drunk. She asked to kiss. I told her to wait until morning. That’s it.” The more I talked about it the more I wished I had never opened my dumb fucking mouth. But also the more I talked about it the more I  _ wanted  _ to talk about it. I wish there was a hand guide or something for my brain because it makes absolutely no sense and it’s exhausting trying to make sense of my thoughts. I feel bad for everyone else who had to decipher it all, at least I have a better understanding of me.

 

Neither of them looked satisfied at all and I didn’t know why and it was stressing me the fuck out. Forget a hand guide on me, I want a hand guide on everyone else! Butters put on this soothing voice, kind of like he was talking to a little kid. “Okay, and what happened in the morning?”

 

_ When I woke up I was expecting to feel Tricia beside me (also was expecting my head to hurt) neither of those things happened though. Tricia was nowhere to be found and besides being a little sensitive to light and disappointed that she wasn’t with me, I felt fine. _

 

_ I had a dream about that man again, the one who was surrounded by white. The things he was saying were scary but something about him just made me feel at peace. He had the same message; something big was about to happen to me and I was gonna do something or…. I don’t know. I can't really remember it all too well. _

 

_ I sat up and looked around. On her bedside table there was a note, a glass of water and what was most likely ibuprofen.  _

 

_ Reaching over for the note it read: _

_ Hey, sorry to dip but I had to run some errands with my folks. I would have woken you but (then the paper got a little messed up, like she had written and erased something a few times) I had to leave fast. It might take a while so don’t wait up. _

_                       Tricia _

 

_ I was both relieved and disappointed that we wouldn’t be able to talk about what happened last night. I don’t even know if she remembered what happened last night, and that scared me. I thought about taking the medicine but my head wasn’t hurting and I didn’t want to waste it, so I gathered my stuff and left the Tucker house. _

 

_ The whole walk home gave me time to think and the more I thought the more emotions I felt towards last night and by the time I could see my house I was so eager to tell Kenny I ran. _

 

“Um… nothing? She wasn’t there so I uh...left.”

 

Then they just  _ stared  _ at me and I had no idea what they were thinking and it was driving me crazy. Then Kenny’s expression morphed and he started fucking  _ laughing.  _ What an asshole. “What’s so funny?” I hated to admit it but I was embarrassed and kind of wanted to crawl into a hole and die.

 

“You. Are ridiculous! You and Tricia have been pining after each other for so long it’s become an inside joke with Craig and I, then she  _ finally  _ sort of confesses and then you just  _ leave?”  _

 

“The note  _ said  _ to leave!”

 

“Karen, you shoulda waited around a-a bit! I’m sure she wouldn’t have minded!” I appreciated Butters being so kind about it but I didn’t have a lot of time to respond back because my fucking brother said:

 

“Yeah it could have been like a dramatic romance movie where you confess your love then bone on the floor.”

 

My face got so fucking warm  _ ohmygodIhatemybrothersomuch.  _ “KENNY I’M GONNA MURDER YOU WE WOULD NOT HAVE “BONED”! GROSS DUDE!” 

 

“Come on, you two have more sexual tension then two boys at a Straight Conversion camp.” He said that last bit while looking directly at Butters.

 

Butters slapped him lightly on his arm and gave him a stern but empty glare but Kenny was just acting like he’d done absolutely nothing wrong. I was a little lost and couldn’t deal with him right now. Plus they were right, we said we were gonna talk about it today so that’s what we’ll do!

 

Thoroughly  flustered so I just muttered “I’m going back to her house.” And right before I walked out the front door I yelled loud enough for him to hear but quiet enough to not disturb the neighbors: “AND NOT TO BONE!”

 

I was planning on having a long determined walk all the way to the Tucker house while planning out  _ exactly  _ what I was gonna say, but as soon as I slammed the door and turned to start my walk I was met with Tricia. 

 

I almost ran directly into her. Her hand was raised as if she was about to knock and she looked really nervous. I got a wave of confusion and was about to ask why she was here and what happened to the errands she had to run but she beat me to it.

 

“Can we talk..?”

 

I felt so uneasy, she was looking at me like she was about to tell me some horrible awful news that would ruin my life. “Of course” and because she still looked nervous and it was kind of freaking me out I added, “is everything okay?”

 

Her expression only fell more. “I don’t know, but I hope it will be…” 

 

Then she turned and started walking. I was powerless to do anything fall in step behind her like a lost puppy. She didn’t look behind her to see if I was following her because she knows I’d follow her to the ends of the Earth. 

 

The walk was a little awkward because I couldn’t keep up so I was trailing behind. She was walking so fast and focused and when I wasn’t trying to read her mind to see what she would say I was studying the plants and sky. The sky was dark and cloudy and if I was blind I’d still be able to tell it was gonna rain by the smell in the air. Luckily her house wasn’t too far so we shouldn’t get rained on. 

 

I wondered if I should say something? I didn’t like walking in silence and the anticipation was killing me. But, I could also read body language enough to know talking wasn’t the best move. 

 

Although when I felt a cool rain drop hit my cheek and she kept walking right passed her house I had to say  _ something.  _ “Uh Tricia-?”

 

“We aren’t going to my place.” She said before I could even finish. She said it like she had this whole thing planned, she probably did. “Then where  _ are  _ we going?”

 

“You’ll see.” And then she steered off the sidewalk and into the forest. Now as much as I love trees is was kinda dark due to the clouds and the forest was a little creepy (especially since knowing South Park, I’m sure several people have died in there) so I was a little hesitant but she didn’t seem to have time for my stupid fears because she looked behind her when she noticed I hadn’t followed she walked over to me, looked unsure, then determined, then she grabbed my hand and pulled me into the woods. 

 

It started as a way to lead me but then we were walking close together, our hands at our side like a real couple. No matter what happened it’d be okay. We’d be okay. 

 

The rain started to come down  _ hard.  _ Tricia looked up then around, her gaze resting on me. We made eye contact for a moment. I’m not sure why but her expression softened and she just looked at me and it was such a warm, loving expression that all I could do was smile a genuine smile, which she returned and squeezed my hand a little tighter before running towards who knows what but it was clear she knew where she was going. 

 

It was raining so hard that it was starting to get hard to see in front of us. If it wasn’t for the fact that she still had hold of my hand I’d be afraid of losing her in these trees. I thought maybe she was lost and I was seconds away from telling her that we should probably turn around and head back before what we were running to came into view. 

 

Ten yards in front of us stood an old, badly built tree house. In the front was a little over grown garden and if you strained your eyes you could see a creek close by through the rain. I knew where we were. We’d been here countless times, but it’d been so long since the last time we’d visited this place, and that was clear by the way everything was tattered and overgrown. I stopped in my tracks, overwhelmed by all the memories this place held. 

 

I was content with just looking around at how pretty it was here. Since I stopped that forced Tricia to stop as well which she did  _ not  _ look happy about. She sharply turned around looking pissed off. Her hair was sticking to her face and her clothes were soaked. “What are you doing? Why are you just standing here we’re getting  _ drenched!”  _

 

And then I started laughing. It seemed kind of funny how she dragged me all the way to the middle of a God damn forest in the middle of a rain storm and now she’s mad that she’s wet. “What are you laughing at? This isn’t funny I’m gonna get a cold!” She sounded like a whining child.

 

Since apparently being an asshole ran in the family, I threw an arm around her shoulders, pulling her towards me and also getting her more wet since my clothes felt like I had jumped in a river. “Come on, you love the rain. If we get sick I pinky promise to take care of you.” I grinned down at her but the expression on her face stopped me from saying anything else. She looked so serious. Once again the feeling that I was gonna get fired came over me.

 

“W-what… why do you look so  _ somber?”  _ Slowly she spoke, like she was thinking about every word carefully. “You look beautiful”

 

She said it like it was the heaviest thing she’s ever said to me. Even though I knew she was lying because I was all wet and there’s no way I could look beautiful while also looking like I just crawled out of the toilet, my stomach still did those soft flips and I forgot how to breath. 

 

She looked down then ducked out of my grasp. Once she was standing in front of me exposed to against me she hugged herself. “We should head in….”

 

And then she turned and walked to the base of the ladder leading to our old hang out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i posted the tricia and karen one shot, if u wanna give it a read that'd be cool https://archiveofourown.org/works/19222126


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if any chapter in this story was gonna be labeled as filler it'd probably be this one but stuff still happens i promise

Once Karen had left Butters immediately turned towards me and attacked me with kisses. They were innocent peaks at first but then he put his hands through my hair and opened his mouth a little (I got the hint and compiled with his silent request to use tongue). It was clear that he was hungry, I had never seen him like this. I mean I know we’re both sex attics but Jesus Christ. I guess we were both starving without even realizing it.

I ran my hands under his shirt. My hands were freezing and I ran them them up his belly, he gasped and brought his kisses a little lower so that he was now kissing my jaw line. He moved onto my lap like before and I brought my hands out from under his shirt and back to his jean covered ass. We were a perfect replica of how we were before Karen walked in. His little gasps and heavy breathing were driving me crazy.

Maybe we were moving a little fast but it all felt so right in the moment. But I didn’t know what was about to happen. I didn’t know if he was gonna suck my dick or if I was gonna jerk him off or if we were just gonna full on fuck. And that’s what drew me out of it. I didn’t know what was going to happen. 

I didn’t want to lose control. I didn’t want to hurt him. I’m willing to bet this is the first time he’s done anything sexual and I didn’t want him to waste it like this. I mean hell dude it was still morning. I kissed him a few more times before pushing him off me.

He looked kind of hurt when I looked at him. I didn’t want him to think he did anything wrong so I kissed him again. It wasn’t like before, it was quick and didn’t last long enough for him to kiss back. It was reassurance. 

When you know your time is running out things that used to seem like a big deal seem so much smaller. That’s why my next question didn’t seem nearly as danting. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

It wasn’t a romantic way of asking him. I was nervous for his response even though, considering everything we’d just done I had a feeling I knew what he’d say. 

He snorted and side off my lap so he was sitting beside me, his legs still over mine and his hands running through my hair. “Yes Kenny, I’ll be your boyfriend.” The way he said it was cute, it was a mix of amusement and fondness, like it was obvious. God this boy really had my heart.

All I could do was press a kiss to his hairline. This day was our day. We could do anything we wanted, and for a while all we wanted to do was sit in bed together talking.

“What’s the weirdest thing to happen in one of your jobs?”

“Uh lemme think… when I was working for the mayor as her secretary she had me do some weird shit. I should have known the job was gonna be weird when I got hired as a secretary when I was 14. She asked me to pick up a very um….particular dildo… she had designed this purple dildo with a giraffe pattern on it. I didn’t even think that was the type of shit a secretary was supposed to do but hey it paid good money. Well it did until I got fired for stealing the pens and toilet paper. Anyway yeah that was probably the weirdest thing to happen during any of my jobs.”

That day I found out that Butters had an unlimited amount of questions and he was determined to ask me all of them.

“Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever masterbated?”

“What’s the most vivid dream you’ve ever had?”

“What exotic pet have you always wanted?”

“What’s something you’ve always wanted to do?”

“What’s-“

“Butters. No more questions. As much as I love your adorable, specific questions I can only talk for so long. A shit eating grin took over his face and he started giggling like I’d just said the funniest joke imaginable. Between fits of giggles he stuttered out “Of course Ken,” Then once his giggles had subsided “There’s really no one else I’d rather be with. You’re my end game ya hear?” If you could have seen the look in his eyes, he had the most genuine expression ever. I knew he was telling the truth. The warm feeling that flooded my chest was kind of overwhelming. 

I didn’t trust myself with words but I hope my eyes displayed all my affection. He really was something. And he was my boyfriend. I pulled him against my side one more time, just cause (as cheesy as it is) I couldn’t stand him being so far away (even though our shoulders were practically touching anyway). But the warm feeling that I was feeling only a moment ago quickly got snuffed out. I wasn’t going to be around for long. I’m sorry Love, I can’t be your end game. I hope you can forgive me. 

“Come on Leo, let’s get out of here before the bed bugs get to you.” 

I walked out with my very own shit eating grin and Butters followed with shrieks about bed bugs and how “”you were lyin’ about the bedbugs right?”” God he was adorable.

My idea of ‘getting out of there’ was sneaking into the roller skating rink. I used to work there for a while so they let me in for free since they’re aware of my financial state. When I worked there the boys would come and hang there every Friday. It was routine, it was good. Turns out the rink was closed today because of a severe plumbing problem. It probably flooded (not the first time). Butters suggested that we just go back to his place, so we did.

The walk was peaceful. He looked down when he walked, like he was afraid of tripping over something. The cloudy sky made his bad eye stand out, but not in a bad way like a sore thumb. No it made it stand out like a donut among a bunch a bagels. He had a really good jawline but also soft features, it gave him this weird mix of being super hot and also super cute. I guess the best word to describe his appearance would be attractive. Butters was attractive. 

Just looking at him made my heart inflate. I grabbed his chin gently which made him stop walking a planted a soft, sweet kiss to his lips. I could tell it caught him off guard because he smiled shyly and tucked his face away to try and hide his expression, but I could still see his blush.

“My house his right up ahead” he said and turned to keep walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me so long to post, i was trying to finish writing this story before i posted another chapter but it was taking too long and i felt bad (also i missed posting)


	21. Chapter 21

It was awkward. Really awkward. I feel like a lot of our interactions these days are awkward.

 

We were just sitting on the floor of the club house across from each other, not saying anything. I’m so used to being so comfortable around her that feeling so awkward felt very forien. 

 

Finally Tricia exhaled, her entire being deflating with it. “Listen… I’m just gonna come right out and say it. I’m... like gay or something” I already knew this fact so I don’t know why my stomach still dropped. That starter just held so much potential.

 

“And not just kinda gay…” another deep breath, “gay and in- and having feelings for someone. Um someone as in you...” she didn’t look up, just had her head facing down, towards the floor. I wonder what was going through her mind at that moment, what was she feeling?

 

This is the part where my heart was supposed to sore or something right? I mean I didn’t exactly feel nothing, I felt heavy, heavy doubt. I’ve fantasized about this moment countless times but now that it was here I couldn’t help but feel like...maybe it’s wrong? Like, maybe it’s not really what I want? It’s no secret that my family is poor. My dad can’t support momma and momma can’t support Kenny and I and Kenny can’t support me. Anyone who gets in our family is doomed, I don’t want to doom Tricia.

 

She squeezed her eyes shut during the last part of her confession (I can call it a confession right?) but now they were open and watching my expression. I don’t know what my face looked like but something in it made her grab my hand and say, “I mean it Karen, I really  _ really  _ like you. I have for a while now. You don’t have to like me back, I wouldn’t expect you to. God knows I’m not the easiest person to love.”

 

Her hand in mine, the touch and feeling of Tricia, it was grounding. It brought me out of my stupid thoughts. Yes, I love her. I love her as much as one person can love someone, but is that enough?

 

She started biting her lip anxiously and rubbing her thumb against my hand. She diverted all her focus to that action instead of looking at me. I didn’t think of myself as an intimidating person but I can imagine if  _ I  _ was the one telling Tricia about my feelings looking at her face would freak me out. 

 

“When I’m with you I feel like I’m actually living. Like I’m breathing for the first time. I know this is probably weird since we’re like best friends but I just…” she took a shaky breath and when she went on her voice sounded watery. “I felt like if I kept it in any longer I’d explode. I like you Karen, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable and I don’t like hiding things from you.” All of the sudden Tricia put her head in her hands, covering her face and muffling her voice. My hand missed her touch immediately. 

 

“I’m so sorry Karen. I’m sorry.”

 

I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time I saw Tricia cry. When she was really little she was basically like an emotionless robot, but once we hit puberty she got a little more emotional but still, she never outwardly displayed much.  Now she was just sitting next to me, slumped over with her head in her hands and taking breathes that almost sounded like she just might cry. 

 

I’ve only comforted a crying Tricia once or twice in my life so I wasn’t exactly, 100% sure what to do. I thought back to what Kenny always does when I’m upset, he always knows what to do to make me feel okay, so I copied what he’d done to me so many times. I put my arms around her in a weird hug in what I hoped was a loving gesture. 

 

I rested my head on her shoulder while still hugging her. “Please don’t be sorry Tricia. Don’t ever  _ ever  _ be sorry for how you feel. There’s nothing that can happen between us that we won’t be able to move passed. We’ve been through too much together to ever go back.” She pulled back and looked up at me. I was surprised to see tears slowly falling down her cheeks. I thought she was crying but actually seeing it… She looked so afraid. 

 

In the most heartbreaking voice I’ve ever heard she asked, “Do you think I’m disgusting?” 

 

That question made me feel so sad. Sad that she’d think I’d  _ ever  _ find her disgusting. I also felt angry. Angry that someone or something in her life made her think that her being gay could make her disgusting. “Why on Earth would I think you’re disgusting?” 

 

Tricia bolted to her feet, as if my touch had burned her. She paced slightly as she talked and spoke with wild hand gestures. I know Tricia enough to know what she’s doing. If you’re angry enough the sadness doesn’t feel like that much. It’s easier to channel your emotions into anger than actually process and let yourself express that you’re sad. “Jesus Karen! Because I’m a girl and I have  _ romantic  _ feelings for another  _ girl.  _ And we sleep in the same  _ bed _ and share  _ clothes  _ and  _ swim together.  _ In our  _ bathing suits!  _ I’m disgusting because you’re my best friend…” 

 

She lost some of her steam, and when she continued she sounded more sad than angry, cause that’s the thing about Tricias method. It only works for so long. You can’t run from your feelings forever (trust me I know). “-and that’s not enough for me anymore. I can’t keep seeing you and pretending like...like it doesn’t  _ do _ stuff to my heart that I’ve read about but never thought was real. I can’t keep acting like you aren’t all I think about. All I  _ dream  _ about.” She just stood there looking a little lost.

 

“I’m failing English because every time I try to pay attention to the teacher you’re  _ right there  _ and then when I  _ start  _ looking I can’t  _ stop  _ looking and it’s gross and  _ I’m  _ gross.” I stood up and walked over to her, intertwining our fingers in one hand and cupping her face with the other. “I had no idea…” She leaned into my hand and looked up at me with sad, blank eyes. 

 

“You aren’t alone Tree. I promise you.” I promise that you are not alone in feeling like this. “Do you remember what I said last night, when you- when we almost kissed?” She blushed and her eyes got slightly wider but she didn’t verbally say anything, just softly nodded. “Of course I wanted to kiss you, more than anything. But I wasn’t going to right then, not when we were like that. You are not alone Tricia. You never were.” I hope she understood what I was trying to say. I just… I couldn't  _ say  _ flat out that I loved her. I was physically incapable.

 

Hesitantly, Tricia brought her hands from laying limp at her sides to resting over the hand I had on her cheek. “I remember something else you said… you said we could… in the morning. Do you- does that offer still stand…?” My heart was beating so fast I’m sure she must have heard it. I felt like I was falling in the best way. I didn’t answer her verbally, instead I (slightly abruptly) moved my head forward and caught her lips in mine. 

 

I wish I could say it felt like there was some explosion or it we got launched into space but if I’m honest, the only thing I remember is thinking  _ ‘Holy shit I am kissing her! I’m actually kissing Tricia Tucker and she’s kissing back! Woah she’s a good kisser… like really goo- wait shit am I a good kisser? OhmygodwhatifImabadkisserandshesreallygrossedout. SHESPROBABLYGROSSEDOUTWHATDOIDOISHOULDHAVETHOUGHTTHISTHROUGHBETTER. _

 

Then her hands moved to grip my waist and suddenly I didn’t give two shits what my kissing was like. I just basked in the feeling of how fucking good it felt to  _ finally  _ kiss her. I was actually kinda afraid to pull away. I was afraid of what her expression would look like, so when we drew to a stop I kept my eyes closed and put my face in the crook of her neck. Doing this meant I didn't have to look her in the eye (I think I might combust on spot if I did that). 

 

She started stroking my hair, the way Kenny used to do when momma and dad were fighting. It was nice. I could feel that she was tense though, she was thinking hard about something. Once again the thought that I was a bad kisser crossed my mind.  _ What if she regrets it? What if she only thought she had feelings for you but she actually doesn’t. _

 

“What… what does this mean for us…?”

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“Karen, will you go out with me?”

 

I think…. I think my best friend just asked me out. No she  _ literally just asked me out.  _ I’ve wanted this for a long time, so why am I hesitating? Why do I feel unsure? 

 

I want this, I want  _ us  _ to be long term. I don’t want us to be a fling or  _ just  _ high school sweethearts, I want her to be the person I spend my life with. Things just need to get better first. I don’t want her future family in law to be living paycheck to paycheck. If we one day move in together I won’t be able to fully support us. I want her to feel like I keep her around ‘cause I like being around her, not that I have too. There’s a lot going on right now, I just want her to be happy. I felt weird, i had a weird gut feeling and the guilt for what I was about to say wasn’t helping  _ at all. _

 

The universe isn’t ready yet. I’m not good enough yet.

 

“I don’t know. I want to be with you but...can we give it some time?”

 

Her expression fell, she tried to cover it up and it only lasted a millisecond, but I saw. “Please don’t doubt how much I care about you. How much I...like you and want to be with you. This might sound cheesy, no I know it will. I’m embarrassed and I haven’t even said it yet but… you’re it for me. I don’t think I’ll want anyone else” ever.

 

I should have probably kept that bit to myself, I didn’t want to scare her off and suddenly declaring that she’s my soulmate moments after rejecting her is a sure way to sacre someone off. But she just smiled. “Okay Karen. I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’ll wait for you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im gonna have this story finished in the next few weeks


	22. Chapter 22

The Stotch house was empty (which I was very grateful for). It was like everything was almost the same as it was before, only now we knew we could touch and kiss each other. It didn’t feel forced, it felt natural. It felt right.

 

We fucked around for a bit, I made us some nachos and we watched this movie called ‘The Voices’ then we watched a little bit of the Office because he couldn’t believe that I had never seen a single episode before. I tried to pay attention, I really did but I kept getting distracted by him and his cute face and we’d start talking, then he’d realize we’d missed something and he’d rewind. We got through the first season and halfway through the first episode of the second season when I felt something really  _ weird.  _

 

It was like my insides were all sticking together and launching apart over and over again. My bones felt like they were old chalk and everything seemed to go in slow motion. I’m pretty sure Butters turned to me and asked if I was okay, it was hard to tell because everything looked fuzzy and sounded like I was underwater, not to mention this awful ringing in my ears that only seemed to get louder. I nodded and said that I was going to the bathroom. At least I  _ think  _ that’s what I said. That whole bit is a blur.

 

Once I got in the bathroom and shut the door I turned on the faucet and leaned against the sink. I felt like I was going to puke out my insides then drop dead. When I lifted my head to look at my reflection I almost gasped at how bad I looked; my face had no color and my bags were so prominent that it looked like I hadn’t slept in weeks. If I’m honest, I looked like I was about to die. And that startling discovery paired with spotting Mark standing behind me in my reflection made my stomach drop. 

 

Mark has always been sort of like my agent, if that makes sense. He was in charge of me, my deaths and what happens with me. I was his job. I felt like I was gonna be let go. “What are you doing here? You said I’d have time!” 

 

He just smiled. I was getting sick of his stupid smile. Actually I might have been getting sick for real. “And time you will have, but not very much. I just wanted to remind you that you have  _ very  _ limited time and maybe you should be spending it better than by watching television. If you would, could you hurry the goodbyes on. We’re on a schedule.” 

 

I might have said something back but I got the overwhelming feeling that I was going to be sick. I fell to my knees in front of the toilet and well… you can infer the rest. Afterwards I didn’t get up, just leaned my head against the rim of the toilet. I know that’s gross but I don’t give a fuck.  I’m not sure exactly how long I sat there but it was long enough that Butters, sweet, lovable Butters came knocking.

 

“Uh Ken you okay? You’ve been in there an awful long time…” Even though I felt heavy his voice brought a smile to my face. “Yeah I’m fine. I just got a little sick.” He offered me some tea and at first I was gonna say no because I didn’t want him to waste it but the mental image of sitting with Butters and drinking tea together was too good to pass down. So I flushed the toilet, shakily stood up (splashed my face with water and rinsed out my mouth) and left the bathroom. And I may or may not have double checked for any annoyingly peppy angles on the way out. 

 

“Do you think you have a cold or something?” Butters asked as he handed me my mug of steaming tea. “No I just…. It’ll be over soon enough, don’t worry.” I knew that sounded kind of ommones but I didn’t really want to get into the nitty gritty details of my illness. I had a feeling they were planning to take me out with some disease. Leave it to fuckin  _ Mark  _ to choose one of the worst ways to die to be my last. At least I wasn’t gonna be dissected again… that was awful. 

 

For a while I thought that being burried alive would be the worst way to die, then when I was 15 I think, some dip wad from out of town mistook me for his long dead son and thought I needed to be put to rest again so he fucking  _ burried me.  _ Turns out being buried alive isn’t so bad as long as you have something to pass the time while you’re slowly suffocating to death. 

 

We ended up on Butters roof. It had gotten dark out and the moon was starting to rise. One of the benefits of living in the ass crack middle of nowhere is that there’s not as much light pollution so we can see more stars. Butters had wrapped his arm around mine like he was some chick on a first date, and he had his head rested on my shoulder.

 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better Ken. I was awfully worried there for a while.” He said looking up at me. I just looked ahead, I was so content with this moment and if I looked in his eyes I’d end up telling him the truth. I don’t know what would happen if I did that. Nothing good, I’m sure of that part.

 

“Me too leo.”

 

“Ya know I was thinking. I wanna keep doing the tests. We gotta figure out why you always come back each time you die, we can consider it our first date.” I scoffed and looked down at him. “That’s kinda a shitty first date man. Plus I thought these counted as dates?” 

 

Butters rolled his eyes, “Have you never been on real date? Doing romantic stuff doesn't count as a date you know” 

 

“I guess not,” I had never thought about it I guess, I always thought anytime you did anything besides the boring normal stuff it, counted as a date.

 

Butters kissed me on the cheek once before turning back to look at the sky, “Well that can change real soon.” I looked at him for a little longer. He was smiling like he didn’t have a care in the world. He looked so light, so happy. To think  _ I  _ made him this happy…

 

“Are you gonna be alright?” Butters furrowed his brow and turned towards me with a questioning look in his eye, “Well why wouldn’t I be?” I just drew him closer. “It’s not a trick question, I promise.”

 

“Um I suppose I’ll be alright. Will you?” 

 

I can always count on Butters to surprise me. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that trait. “Yeah, as long as you’re okay so am I.” I looked out, back to the sky. Wild to think that pretty soon I won’t get to look up and see a sky full of stars.

 

“I’m okay…”

 

And that was all I needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want this story to be over so badly,, it's getting too OOC

**Author's Note:**

> this is what i do in class instead of my work,,


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